Halloween

It's Halloween once more. An ever present problem with feelings is that you associate dates with them. It's futile to revisit memories long past with the sole objective to compare it to current feelings or memories. I suppose it makes me human to do so, but who want's to be human?

I took my camera up to the mountain and took some photo's. Some turned out okay, I've got to find a better spot, there were a lot of shotgun shells on the ground. It was pretty great to stand on the hillside feeling the cold wind while I took my time looking closely at the ground or trees or a beetle I found on my car. Buying a nice camera was a great decision for me.

It's frustrating that so much of life is simply adjustments of perspective. Any discovery you

have, any regression you may experience, is simply a change in perspective. Some people possess the ability to share perspective, and teach it to those willing. What enables us to be willing? How much time do we waste in this life trying to not be miserable and find happiness in the small things? It seems like an awful lot to me, but maybe I am not like you. I am not like most people, especially here in this place. I have chosen to think about life challenges with purpose and dedication... unfortunately life does not provide the answers at the pace at which I think, causing me to stumble and draw inaccurate conclusions. It's frustrating when someone learns something fundamental that I missed somehow, and have them share it in an offhanded manner, as if it didn't matter. As if they were simply in the lunch line and got served up the daily meal that turns out was the key to releasing me from weeks/months of contemplation. Obviously I'm reminded to just relax and let it come and go with the flow of things, which I do

frequently. I am pretty happy now-a-days, I have my hobbies, my work, my awful classes, and a couple good friends. The one thing that ties me back in with everyone else is the need to feel loved however. Still looking.

Reporting Live from Utah

After a much needed hiatus I have decided to write again. There is a constant flow of thought that if I don't put down just disappears with it's origins and it's conclusions, maybe never heard from again.

It is an odd sensation to feel constantly more aware of who you are and what you want. There is always some more aware of who they are and when you meet them, you want to be them. You want to learn from them and figure out how and why they can be so happy in this fairy-tale land of medicated happiness. Someone who feels the underlining sensations of what life is supposed to be, and lives it. The joke is on them as much as it is on us, they don't know any more than we do, and around the denial-go-round goes.

I go to school with children. Not just children of age, which most of them are, but children of the mind. It is a tight world that we live in here. All the same bad things happen, only there exists no safe harbor in which to find footing, save that of the liberal arts classroom where everyones just too nervous to test the waters. For all the benefits of a religious lifestyle, all I see is people trying to live some ridiculous life where you find love and THEN start living. It's no wonder they suggest we get married while we're young, if we get to old we might just figure out what they're actually selling isn't real. In this place, where only one option is weighed, all others are pilled up with no option, weighing equally nothing.

I am constantly bombarded with how stupid this culture is, to the point I'm convinced it's actually a culture of stupidity. I go to college with children raised in a culture of stupidity. And people expect me to date and find a companion here.

I am not meant for this place, or if I am meant for this place, God is cruel.

-A

ps. While I appreciate the comments, I've disabled them. Thank you for reading however.

100

Well I made it. 100 posts and... no one's blogging anymore lol! Oh well, allows me to be more brave here I suppose (like 99 posts ago when two people read this). The purpose of this blog was to get a special someone's friendship, and it worked! Those innocent days (not my innocence probably) of blogging seem long past and here I stand at a new threshold of... well, I don't know. A lot has changed in 100 posts. Some things for the better, and others for the better when we 'grudgingly-accept-our-trials-as-self-improvement'.

This blog has been a magnificent tool for me to speak without interruption, to finish a thought, and to pour out my heart when it has become full. It's funny, I never realized the actual distance I between my family and me until I started getting phone calls about things I wrote hah. There have been some startling realizations I've had about that fact. I've never looked at my relationships with my family so closely before. We get so used to the way we interact with one another I never stopped to ask "Is this how it's supposed to be?". And that is a very powerful question to me, because I've never questioned if I had a good enough relationship with my sisters? Do I communicate well enough with my parents? etc. And now, I cannot help but ask these questions and reflect on my life in regards to them. And I consider all those things good things because I champion communication above all of my aspiring virtues. I am sadly inadequate at times however, and become a hypocrite when I am willing to dance around issues in my little box of safety, instead of picking up a phone.

Hope, Love, and friendship were some of my favorite topics, but currently, I feel lacking. I tasted the potential for real love and lost it, and am now... dealing with it. A councilor says a year or more to move on from having loved, so I imagine to be better off maybe. But at my current rate of spreading my love around, that could be an optimistic conjecture. I don't resent anything that happened to me in that situation, I really don't, it is my habit to accept trials as for my betterment. But pain doesn't accept it's betterment, it stares right back at you waiting for you to second guess yourself (and knowing me, you can image how that goes lol).

I want to thank all of you for posting here, sharing your thoughts, even when you didn't feel you had any heh. Commenting on the blog is the equivalent of hearing a "hmm, I hear you brotha". I can't thank you all enough for having reciprocated so frequently and lovingly. In a month it will be just about a year since the inception of this blog, and that's not significant, it's just I can't believe it's been a year since then... normally I would try to think of something witty with a broad philosophical sounding summary for the past year, but, there's no need to summarize or cheapen life with those words. Besides, I have 100 posts documenting most of it.

So, here's to 100 Posts!

-Aaron

One more to go...

As I sit here looking at this blank white screen I wonder what I want to write about, I think about what life has been like, wonder what other people are doing in their lives, think about what I'm going to do tomorrow... Nothing comes to mind.

Some people don't have vivid dreams, and some people who do, aren't affected by them, I don't fit into either of those categories. I have amazingly vivid dreams and they stay with me, as some have stayed with me for years. I'm sure there's a psychological reason for that, something about not knowing who you are and looking for answers from the subconsciousness or something like that, but because they are so real, I always behave realistically in relation to my conscious self and am never in control of their outcomes. Some very painful or even happy moments happen for me in these dreams that I actually don't know if I would be willing to fully commit to imagine if I chose to imagine them while awake. That is obviously a character flaw, as I struggle with stuff in life like everyone. It's a strange feeling to feel subconsciously apprehensive about going to sleep because of what's waiting for you in your dreams. I'm not really talking about any time specific, but a recent bad dream made me think about how it affected me and that day, and I hate not understanding and not being in control.

So, on a lighter note, this is my 99th post. I'll have to think of something special to do for my 100th post... I have no idea when it will be put up, and it might just be the last one on this thing as I've moved over to the lazy connection of facebook. We'll see, wouldn't be a bad thing to wrap up this introspection and drama of that is Aaron's life on the 100th posting.

-A

Words and more words

I'm still here, but my taste for writing has somewhat left me. Everything I attempt to put down on this page seems to echo back to me false. I can't explain why, I feel... a lot right now, and writing feels like I'm playing with fire because at any moment I could be taken over by my irrational mind and write something stupid. I was going to write about grief, or friendship, or something along those lines last week, but words failed me. It seems they're failing me quite often these days and I don't quite know to get out of this funk, so I'm here writing, trying to break out of it I guess.

But on the bright side of things, Lost, 24, and my newly found addiction to Dexter has been quite nice. My taste for entertainment (ie games) has completely left me for the time being, and I'm not quite sure how to take that.

On the social side of things... well, I've been able to convince some of my friends to unplug somewhat and hang out more often, so that's been nice. But they're still connected to that world, and I couldn't be further from it.

-A

Face-planted...

...into Facebook. I was holding out on the whole social network thing, it seemed... well, just look at myspace (but don't, it's so ghastly bloated it bottles my mind). Glad I got out of that one. However, I'm glad I finally did sign up, I'm so terrible at keeping in contact with people, it makes it easy.

Bonding with a serial killer

I recently have become addicted to Dexter. The show is on Showtime, so there's some language, but not as much blood as you would think considering the shows subject matter. Dexter, you see, is a sociopathic serial killer... but he only kills murderers. While the ethics and morals of this in the outside world are debatable (not mine however) it's everything else about him and how he lives his life with people that feel and love, which he doesn't, which is the real fascination with the show for me. I would wager that the first episode is PG-13, but I couldn't be sure. His sister in the show has a spectacularly bad mouth, and flaunts it a lot lol. But if you're looking for something different, something really different, try it out.

As for my own sociopath in my book, I've decided to rework the story, while I was telling a story about something I found interesting, the story didn't match the subject matter very well, and it needs to 'click' you know? If it doesn't click for me, its not going to click for everyone else. So, back to the drawing board somewhat.

-A

Plato's got nothin' on me

So, I wrote myself into a corner a few days ago and I was feeling kinda lost in where I was headed with my character. I mean, he was supposed to be this really lost soul and what not, but he was just depressed and lonely, not damned. I wasn't telling the truth about him I realized, so I sat down and wrote out a new conversation he had with someone in the past. I wrote an entirely new character, but the right one I was trying to write from the beginning. This is good and bad, good because now I can write how he would truthfully act in a given situation, and bad because I have 40 pages of him NOT acting that way lol.

School is... school. My philosophy class is going to be a cinch. Thinking abstractly about values and perspectives is something I do naturally, as well as writing them down. So, it's nice to have one class I can just do and not have to worry about.

On a more personal note, I've been going through some... well I don't know what it is, but it sucks lol. Anyway, the suckiness has caused me to grow uneasy in my complacency and moderately sheltered socially life. I would like to have claimed that I made this realization and grew in this way this summer, but the truth of the matter is that isn't what happened. I cheated. I got all the appearances of an improved and happy life, but with one swift (anticipated) kick I was out treading water alone again, wondering how it had happened and wondering WTF was happening to me. Emotional story short, I've decided to work on actively getting stronger, instead of just allowing the appearance of it. Stronger in every way possible, physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual. I'm not saying I AM at the moment, but making these decisions has sure helped me feel it already.

-A

Schoolin'

School has begun once more. So, I looked through my degree requirements and figured out if I took 4-5 classes a semester I could finish up in two years. That's not counting the two summer terms they offer, which I'll for sure take some classes in. But we'll see what happens and what classes are offered during those times. So with those added summer classes I think two years (including this semester) is an realistic goal. I've got philosophy, health, history, and web languages this semester, two classes online and two lectures. I'm bouncing in between institute classes at the moment too. I about signed up for the two I thought would be interesting (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith and Living life with the Gospel or something like that), but the classes seem... I don't know too small or whatever, I'd like to find some classes that are more populated. When there's only ten people in the class getting a good discussion going is intimidating. Besides, there weren't any cute girls in the two classes I went to hah.

My writing is going pretty steady at the moment. I've realized I've written probably five or six pages, which is like an eighth of everything I've written, that won't end up in the book at all, which is kinda disappointing but necessary. I realized I didn't have some back stories fleshed out and the only way to do it honestly was to sit down and write how it happened for reference in the actual story. But I'm not too worried about all that because the back stories might be kinda dull anyway, or if I find some way to tell them in a different interesting way other than the linear method I did to get it down on paper. Anyway it's fun to have something down to mess with, but kinda frightening to just delete a whole page because I realize I was trying to muscle the story the way I wanted it to go instead of the way it wanted to. The sculpture is in the stone already, I've just got to remove the unnecessary parts.

Also, writing a truly evil, sadistic person isn't as much fun as it might sound.

-A

2009? More like 1909!!

Hey, 2009, 1909 called, it wants it's lack of flying cars back... seriously, WTF is my flying car!? Some future!

Hope everyone had a fun-filled New Years! As a treat I'll divulge a little bit
about what I'm spending my time writing.

The thing with writing a book is: it's a refining process. What is it about? Right now I'm writing the story of a family who has a couple sons go on an LDS mission, come back, and take very different paths. One picks a path of darkness and becomes an enemy to everything good in this world. He's so consumed with his guilt he chooses to forget everything he believed and is consumed with lust and hate he rejects everything his family believes in. Where the story goes from here I can't really say. People are going to be happy, people are going to be sad, I'm going to try and be as true to life as I can get. Living a good righteous life is still filled with pain, doubt, and misfortune, and figuring out how to have faith in the face of failure is paramount to enduring to the end. So, how that's all going to happen I don't know (or even if that's going to be where it takes me).

Right now it seems like a dark story with no happy ending, which is okay. I can't guarantee a happy ending, but just because I haven't thought of one doesn't mean it won't be. I'm not going to plan out a very detailed plot about each character, who lives and who dies, etc. The book takes place over a few weeks of the bad son coming home to say goodbye to his family. Goodbye why? I don't really know yet, he knows something I don't know, but I'm sure I'll figure it out.

I'm not trying to write a depressing book. I'm just trying to tell a story I find interesting.

I'm so glad to be back out of the.. oh, there's snow here too

So, I'm back from my Christmas vacation. It was a lot of fun regardless of the two feet of snow dumped on unprepared Oregonians/Washingtonians. They don't salt the roads for environmental reasons I guess (the run off of salt water into streams etc.) So it made for an interesting trip all in all. But I got plenty of time in front of a fire with a book (I can't say a good book because The Pillars of Earth was endlessly frustrating). By the end of the book I was reading 2-3 pages a minute because it was so overly descriptive about the same buildings and concerns about each character for 900 pages I realized I could skip 2/3's of it and still get the story just from the bite size morsels of dialog between the pages of description paragraphs, ugh. If being a successful author like Ken Follet means all you gotta do is take a 300 page book and stretch it to 980 pages... Okay, enough with the book bashing, sorry.

I got some wonderful gifts for Christmas. Without a list from me my mom always seems to come up with great ideas I would never have thought of, like new soft sheets. I don't think I've ever had nice soft sheets, something so simple that makes such a big difference in my ability to sleep. My box of food gift cards was another great one. But I think my new backpack for school is my favorite gift, thanks mom and dad!

I made some good story progress on my writing as well. I wrote a couple pages outside of the main story arc, one being a breakup between two of my characters. I think it turned out really well, I'm not sure how to fit it into the story yet, or even if it will make it in there, but it's a fun realistic piece of dialog I think. Sorry, no spoilers yet. Everyone will just have to wait.

I think I need to get into more relationships and religious discussions I've concluded. When things go well, I can write in detail the goodness I feel so much better than when bad things happen (which is a good time for writing the bad times hehe). But it's those life-turning moments that are the most important. Those moments when you can see the big picture, the rounded edges, the layout of the foundation all at once. Those gems of truth. I need more of those, I just wish I could remember more vividly those feelings to articulate them, because those are the true moments and the real morals of books, and why I read books. So far, my book is pretty depressing, good I think, but depressing and I need some happy fun times in life to pick it up otherwise it's going to be a pretty sad story lol. Obviously talented writers don't need to be going through something to write it... but I'm not good yet, so I accept that and I'm trying to work with it. It's another one of my experiments I suppose, let's hope this one goes better than the others haha. But being able to get down some of the stuff I got down is going to really pay off. I write so much better when I'm writing with the conviction of the feeling in my heart. I do much better once I have something to work with I know, so having written parts when I was sad or contemplative are really priceless pieces I couldn't write well without. And yes, I do have some happy moments down as well, but just not as many recently because my story wasn't really calling for them, so don't freak out. It's not going to be Aaron's Heartache Hotel.

-A

ps I got a cold and I've lost my voice completely. So, if you wanted to have some conversation in which you feared I would overrun with my own, now would would seem the appropriate time.

I'm still here... sorta

I'm sure by now I've lost most of my readers. I suppose I spoiled you over the summer and now that it's not summer you think you all deserve a post a week! And I probably could write a post a week considering how much free time I have (insert unemployed jokes here). But the fact of the matter is that a lot of things in my life got too delicate to be writing about it here in the blog. Like I've said before, I've been keeping a sporatic journal of sorts, but recently I've transfered that push to write into my book. Is the book about everything I'm going through and does it contain secrets to what I won't post about? Honestly, no. But writing with that fire that keeps me awake until the early dawn hours and consumes my mind draining everything else from it is some really great writing energy that I can channel. And it gets channeled into something of real value to me instead of ambiguous posts on my blog or letters that no one will ever read in my personal journal. So, most of my writing energies have gone into that.

So, um, it's Christmas, maybe I should talk about that? Don't I have some zaney perspective about it that would make an challening, interesting post? No heh, not really. I do have some thoughts on love and family however. Be honestly grateful for those who love you, and love them back fiercly. It is not enough to merely be family and expect familiar love will be enough to help one another through our lives. The blood bond, which ties us, would give us the strength to die for one another it is not enough to live for one another. And by that I mean being a beacon of love for each other while there is no crisis, while there is no need to rush to the emergency room, no need to be held close and told it's going to be alright. Shamefully I can admit to living a loveless life and I can testify of its reality. It is not so far away as some like to believe I think. Lives can get so dark sometimes, and the darkness can seem to last too long. But without fail, hope is given to those whose hearts burn for light, and light always appears after our hopes. I was blessed with this happening several months ago, and I will be forever grateful for everyone who was there for me for it. I seem to get a little mushy here whenever I talk about hope and love I know, I'm sorry for that... But it's Christmas! So a big fat mushy post is what you're going to get, and like it!!

Merry Christmas everyone, I love you all. And if you Little Orphan Annie fans have your decoder ring ready: ILYSMRN.

-A

Be glad I didn't post the other 18!

I know I know, it's been forever since I posted. I actually wrote a couple but didn't post them, they were written a bit hastily perhaps.

So, Thanksgiving is past. I was lucky enough to get invited over to Meagan's Aunt's house for mine, it was really good (homemade strawberry jelly!).

I've decided to pick up on some hobbies I have been neglecting. Writing and drawing. I've had an idea rattling around in my mind about an interesting story idea, I won't spoil it here, you'll just have to wait! Stephen King advises to write what you know, so I'm writing about a 20-something Mormon man finding out who he is. It will be fiction obviously, and I've got an interesting enough premise for myself to start writing it however, I started yesterday. It's pretty interesting to me and it's going much better than my previous attempts. I even came up with an interesting title for now: The Prodigal Son of Perdition. We'll see what happens! The other hobby is my art. So, with these two picking up the slack when I have downtime instead of WoW or other games, I'm feeling pretty good.

I was in a pretty lonely place, feeling pretty worthless a few weeks back. I didn't know what I was supposed to be doing and I didn't want to do what others advised me to do (which caused me to feel even more worthless). However, this lonely state I was in, was self inflicted. I learned the difference between being alone and being lonely, and it was a nice step for me. A good friend of mine told me it's important to be okay with being alone, and it's important to keep yourself busy. So, once I actively decided to do these things and not long for a reprieve, I was strengthened enough to come out of that lonely place I felt inside my heart. We are not meant to be lonely, but sometimes we are meant to be alone and stand on our own accord and make decisions by ourselves, for ourselves. I often tote my desire for independence around like a handbag, conveniently pulling it out when the argument requires it. But I don't think I've ever been as independent as I feel now, and it feels... sturdy I suppose. I'm somewhat of a torrent of feeling at the moment however, and to pinpoint it wouldn't be fair. I think I could write about twenty pages on my feelings at the moment (good and bad), but I will spare you... well I guess this sort of turned into a page or two, so I'll spare you 18 pages.

I made a list of goals for myself a week back and I think I might revise them in a week or two to include more things because I'm knocking them out easily. That feels good.

-A

All Aboard the "This is Life" Boat

Just posting a "I'm still alive and am not addicted to sleeping pills" post.

Just chuggin' along... I've found some form peace for myself once more. It's fragile I know, so I've got to nurture it and guard it for a little bit but... it's there, so I'm content for now. It's caused me to reflect about myself when I'm feeling down...

I wonder if I enjoy feeling depressed sometimes or if I don't get to feel enough in my life that feeling something is better than nothing and I'm not willing to let that go as soon as I could because of that. It's kind of a depressing thought I know, but I'd prefer to be honest about with myself than to ignore the possibility. And for me, it's not nearly as depressing as it sounds. I mean, nothing changes when I feel the onset of a deep feeling of loneliness in my life. It's hard to describe but sometimes I just feel pessimistic about certain things and just that slight change from optimistic to pessimistic can alter my mood so drastically that it seems to last for... a long time. And I'm learning how sensitive I am about it, which is really bad, because friends unknowingly will say something and cause me to depress. I like to pretend I've got my mind and emotions under control and in check but these occurrences tell me otherwise. The real difficult part comes when I have to explain this weakness to hopefully help those I care about from accidentally saying something that will cause me to feel hurt or alone. Having friends and family walk on eggshells around you is not pleasant and just deepens whatever negative feelings you have.

This isn't to say any of you, my dear readers, are doing this to me, I'm just reflecting about my state of being when I am feeling low. I'm currently quite content, but storms never seem far off the prow of my ship and if I can't be in complete control of my ship I'd like to know where I can find a secure spot on it.

See that! A boat metaphor! I was once using a 'swimming alone' metaphor, and now I'm on a boat! Glad someone came by and helped me aboard! heh. And that's a pretty good analogy. I mean, life is better for me, but I'm still in the seven seas it seems. And you might ask me "What's the deal Aaron? I thought you were doing so good? I thought you were on land!? (sort to speak)", and that's what made me so sad I think, it was realizing that I wasn't, when like you, I thought I was on land too.

Okay, enough boat metaphoring, it's not that good of one. But anyway, more people whom I love have much greater problems than I, and focusing solely on me would not make me very happy.

My dear niece is very, very sick, and I know everyone who reads this is aware of that, but I'd like to close this post with my my love and support for my sister Jenell and her husband Craig. I'm sorry I can't be there to help out, because I would love to. I know the feeling of someones testimony of lesser trials compared to what you feel you're experiencing can seem trite, and maybe they are, but I can't testify of what I don't know. I can testify of God's love for us. And I can testify of receiving blessings while feeling unworthy and ashamed I could merit them. I love your family so much and I can say that God has a plan for all of us, even if that plan includes temporary pain. It sucks, but that's life I suppose, and eventually we'll see the plan if we're patient enough to hold onto our faith.

-A

Caution: Unisom may cause bad blog posts

I feel like writing something, but these sleeping pills I've taken might prevent me from exploring my mind in order to write about what I really feel like writing about. So, why don't I just right later? Meh, because I'm writing now that's why.

I think I could have named this blog "finding balance" because I seem to talk about it more than anything else. I never knew how unbalanced I was at so many things I guess. I always thought myself moderate in most of my endeavors, but I guess that's part of the 'unbalanced' part lol. We just naturally tell ourselves we're 'normal' or even if we do accept our oddity we normalize it by saying "oh well, no one is normal!", it's a nice warm layer to keep us from really looking at things. But I don't know, I've been criticized for looking at things too much too (and hurt from doing that as well), so finding the balance, once again, is what this is all about.

When I can't understand why I am concerned, hurt, happy, or confused about something I feel the need to know why. I do this with metaphors in my mind, seeing the action and the reaction in a simplified form soothes my mind. And that moment, where it makes sense, and my mind relaxes content, is priceless. But sometimes I find the wrong metaphor, and the result from that is generally bad hehe. I look for metaphors because I've found that I just can't understand things very well unless it's simple, and my mind doesn't tackle complicated things very well without simple instructions.

I think I have more to say, or some point I'm trying to make with all this, but I'm kinda tired and it's not coming. I think I'm just trying to find some metaphor in my writing to ease my mind. I usually stumble upon some nice simile or metaphor by now... but it's not coming heh, I'm glad Meagan told me about Unisom, otherwise it would be another long night...

-A

Some body and the Spirit

I have had an interesting few weeks. I wouldn't say they have been bad weeks, progressive weeks is what I would call them.

This life is not what it appears to be most of the time. Even when we think we see it for what it is, it seems just another level of illusion in time. This perspective can be pretty disheartening at times, but we choose to hope, to press on in our lives, to have faith that our lives will get better with each passing turn in the road. And then sometimes, life is exactly what it has always seemed to be, or what we thought it was, we had just forgotten. These observations are very broad, and obvious, but it never stops astounding me at their potency when you see it again.

Turning these corners, or growing as we like to call it, sucks. There are no two ways about it hehe. There are only two things I have ever found to make it easier for myself. 1. The love of a loved one and 2. The spirit. Unfortunately I am miles away from my family, and I find good friends so rarely that when #1 fails, I tend to fail. I wish I had the strength in me to maintain my faith, to keep it high when difficult times come. When I feel as though I am alone. Luckily I have had some amazing friends right now.

A question I ask myself is my dependency on others. If you remember, dear readers, way back when I began this blog I pondered that very idea. Also, my dependency on God. I have conceded I am nothing without recognizing his hand in my life, and there can be no lasting happiness outside of it. To contrast that Spiritual dependency, with our dependency on others, it isn't all that different. When separated by time or distance from those whom we define our lives by, I can feel the pangs of a similar void of feeling being separated from the Spirit. We can never find real happiness without the conjunction of the two relationships, a person we love, and the Father, who loves us. The fear of losing one of those sides of the recipe of happiness can seem terrifying without the other side supporting us until we balance it. This doubt has rested in the back of my mind for a long time. I get too comfortable too often with either being held up by the Spirit, and having nobody, or visa versa. It seems a great weakness of mine to sustain this balance.

I used to find replacements to balance the sides of the scale rather easily. Games allowed me to fill my waking and sleeping hours (as I often chose). Books allowed me to exit my mind and enter into someone else's. Movies allowed an easy quick escape, but 2 hours doesn't help much when you're brain is as relentless as mine is on itself. I envy people who can simply 'turn off' and go to bed.

But I have changed. Games, movies, and books no longer allow me to just not deal with life. While some might criticize me for my immature distractions, I think it's no different than anyone else's. Everyone finds cheap replacements for that balance. The balance of strength from those we love, and the Spirit that loves us. Problem is, to maintain the balance we've got to be trying, always. And I stopped trying. I got to a level I was comfortable at, and just coasted. My normal routine was to sink back into my distractions and see if I couldn't figure something out on the way down. But that's not happening this time. Because although life isn't going as great as it could be, no true companion and no immovable testimony to be doing everything I should be doing. I do have a couple awfully great friends, and the strength to keep going to church. And as rough of a balance as that is, love is there, and I feel it on both sides.

It's interesting how focused we can become when we are dropping something we are trying to balance, time slows, and nothing else matters whether they be plates of food or our lives.

-Aaron

Wall-E

I know for most of you this movie is old news. Yes everyone said how good it was, yes everyone told me to go see it. I knew I was going to like it based on a number of other reviews and friends who saw it and told me how much I would like it. Everyone was right.

Wall-E is one of the most heartfelt movies I've seen in a long time. I am so thankful that Pixar has so much control over their movies otherwise the simplicity of the story would have been lost and trampled in the board meeting of executives that ruin a lot of movies today. Focus groups, polls, and advertising companies, there is so much money to be made from a kids film that most of them just plain suck. And I don't mean they're bad films, but the point of the story is lost in the commotion of fitting in what everyone "needs". Everyone wants to recreate the magic Pixar has, and Shrek came close (kinda), but Shrek was tuned for a more mature audience, which kids today actually want. And sadly recreating the kind of humor Shrek touched is easy and poorly executed. Kids films shot for more mature audiences have turned into nothing more than the plot of a Saturday morning cartoon with more pop culture references. And some might defend the 'Happily-N'Ever' afters and the Shrek the Thirds claiming that expecting anything more than what's given is a pointless endeavor. And nothing can be further from the truth. It is with kids films that we can obtain some of the most pure and good stories we can experience. To be relieved from the realities of the world and it's grit is a necessity.

To really care about the characters. To really care about two little robots in their little worlds with their little wants in life. I believe I knew I was going to like this movie because in the words I read, and in the eyes of those whom I spoke to who saw it, I saw that caring. I could see the story got through, I could see that there was going to be a bond, and understanding between the characters and myself. Some might call me a cynic when I remark on the cheesiness of certain 'good' characters. I find their 'goodness' unrealistic or so plainly prepared for the story that it makes me sick. But the reality is that most story tellers today just do it with such a heavy hand that it takes me out of the story, which I despise. Wall-E does such an amazing job, it is a seamless progression and finishes beautifully. There is nothing in the back of my mind that pricks me, that says "Hey! That didn't make any sense, why wouldn't they just...why didn't he just say... etc". I'll go ahead and say it's a perfect movie. Everything it sets out to accomplish, it accomplishes, with flying colors. The secondary story of the humans is executed well too. It's sentiment is felt secondary, and fits in nicely with the two hard working robots.

I believe in balance, and Wall-E is my new favorite balance of story telling.

Wall-E accomplishes what every movie should. I just finished watching it, and I think I'm going to put it on and fall asleep to it. I believe that means that all my rated R watching has not completely damaged me, and that I am not beyond repair (as some of you might see it heh). If you have not seen Wall-E, make it your first choice as soon as possible. I loved it.

I will gladly say I love Pixar... however, I heard they are making a Toy Story 3. Sounds like milk getting squeezed out if you ask me... but I'll hold off on that thought, Wall-E has granted them the benefit of the doubt.

-Aaron

The Watchmen

There's a new movie coming out called The Watchmen. It's a super-hero movie,here's the trailer.

I recently finished reading the graphic novel it's based off of. A graphic novel, for those who don't know, is essentially just a comic series condensed into one book.

It's a very dark as far as super-hero stories go, reminiscent of the Dark Knight in some ways. But it challenges more about masked vigilantism and the lives of those who choose that life. The story itself spans between the telling of a "Golden Age" of super-heroes in the 1940's and then the resurgence in the 60's. None of the heroes have super powers (with exception to one, and I'll get to that). Some are very disturbed, and are not immune to being considered murderers. It is a very realistic, unforgiving look at what would happen if we had an organized group of masked heroes. We learn the back stories of each of the heroes throughout the book and how they became what they are. Some are dark, some are light, but each is interesting.

Now, as to that one "hero" that has super-human powers, he is actually not human. He gets trapped in a radiation chamber and transforms. He is more of an observer with limitless power who just happens to be talked into helping America and it's goals through the 60's difficulties (Vietnam). He also keeps every other country in check from doing anything too stupid with nukes. But like I said, he doesn't actually care about human life, so his unlimited power is limited because he just doesn't actually care to fix everything.

The plot is a murder mystery within a political thriller. Finding out who is removing all the "heroes" from the country and why. So, while you're trying to figure out what is going on with that, The Missiles of October is happening, only with Russia instead of Cuba. It's a very interesting narrative with lots of threads running in and around the back stories of each of the masked heroes.

I really enjoyed the book, I had a hard time putting it down, but the end wrap up didn't quite hit it home for me. I think it's one of the most fun and interesting stories I've read in a while, I would have just preferred something more subtle towards the ending, something more cerebral. But it's still really good, and I'm very interested in how they are going to transform it into a movie. The narrative is so heavily crafted for reading accomplishing the same task visually is going to be very difficult.

I don't think I read a single curse throughout the book, there were three sex scenes, not graphically explicit, but contextually heavy (a rape and a boy discovering his mother was a hooker). Violence however is very present and you feel the pain and the deaths around the characters. The mortality of everyone is very palpable.

So, my verdict? Good if you can stomach through some violence and you enjoy the themes I talked about earlier. It's famous for it's original narrative style and unique characters in my opinion, and if you want something new and different from a super hero story I'd say definitely read it.

Communism is fun!

Well, to make a review blog I would need to watch, read, or listen to something to review it. Interesting enough, I haven't done any of those things in the past week. I've been working on finding work with little success. I still have my part time employment in which I do little, but make enough to live, but it doesn't quench my hunger for a project to sink my teeth into.

I've got a little side project I want to do. It was my idea for the final project for one of my classes but I didn't have a key component (an online database) to make it work. It's essentially a mini social networking site, but its focus is lending, renting or sharing movies or books within an apartment complex. You sign up and add into your profile all your movies and books or whatever you're willing to share (music even I guess) and then people in the complex can come by and borrow it. I'd have restrictions on checkouts, personal notes like "don't lend it to them, they scratch it!" or something like that so that there would be some accountability. But it seems like you could even have a barter account you know? Like you trade me season 1 of Heroes and I trade you two books and Hitch for a couple weeks. Not only does this save everyone money in the apartment but it also will produce friends that would be worth having so close. I think I can actually do it (most of it's already done I did for my class), it's just a matter of whether it would be worth it I guess, and would it really work? Would people really use it? It would be free of course.

Anyway, maybe I'll work on that and that's how I'll review stuff! Again, who knows.

Condiments and Conference

I feel like a glass Heinz Ketchup bottle. I've got a lot stored up in me I can feel it, but as hard as I might try I can't seem to shake it lose onto my plate for a delicious additive to my meal. Once someone told me to tap it on the embossed 57 on the neck of the bottle and it comes out. So, that's what I'm going to try to do.

...tap

I listened to all of General Conference thanks to some good friends. I wish I would have prepared myself for it more. It felt good, but not as good as I need it right now in my life. Things are going well in retrospect, but honestly no matter how well things are going it never seems like worries ever lessen. My good friends the Hansen's were kind enough to invite me up to their cabin to listen with several other family friends from their ward. We ate very well and lounged around listening and coloring (yes, like in coloring books heh). It was really good and I got a taste of some very special magic syrup that when combined with strawberries caused a fruit fusion of a sweet sugary release inside ones mouth. It was good. I am very, very thankful I am so welcome in their home and in their lives, they are good for me in unprecedented levels.

...tap

Avarie has been hospitalized. I was up at the cabin and didn't get the call immediately, however my heart is full with hope and prayer for her. Jenell and Craig I want you to know I am praying for your family and I love you. I don't know what to write quite honestly, I am at a loss, which might be an overreaction considering how little I actually know about the diagnosis and treatment. However, the fear I feel is paralyzing me in which I cannot express my worry and my love adequately.

...tap

I have begun to write this last "tapping" several times about me. I can't seem to write anything I should at this juncture. Even though I tapped several times, it seems it's not going to all come out, sorry, I'm just as disappointed as all of you. And no, I'm not going to get a knife and work it out of there, you always end up with ketchup on your hand and too much on your plate.

I believe my blog is going to become a review of books, movies, and music. I think it would be a fun change and a challenge as well. I think I'll always have more intimate posts here or there, but I think it's going to be more channeled... I don't know, just an idea for now. It's late, and I'm tired.

-A