Just posting a "I'm still alive and am not addicted to sleeping pills" post.
Just chuggin' along... I've found some form peace for myself once more. It's fragile I know, so I've got to nurture it and guard it for a little bit but... it's there, so I'm content for now. It's caused me to reflect about myself when I'm feeling down...
I wonder if I enjoy feeling depressed sometimes or if I don't get to feel enough in my life that feeling something is better than nothing and I'm not willing to let that go as soon as I could because of that. It's kind of a depressing thought I know, but I'd prefer to be honest about with myself than to ignore the possibility. And for me, it's not nearly as depressing as it sounds. I mean, nothing changes when I feel the onset of a deep feeling of loneliness in my life. It's hard to describe but sometimes I just feel pessimistic about certain things and just that slight change from optimistic to pessimistic can alter my mood so drastically that it seems to last for... a long time. And I'm learning how sensitive I am about it, which is really bad, because friends unknowingly will say something and cause me to depress. I like to pretend I've got my mind and emotions under control and in check but these occurrences tell me otherwise. The real difficult part comes when I have to explain this weakness to hopefully help those I care about from accidentally saying something that will cause me to feel hurt or alone. Having friends and family walk on eggshells around you is not pleasant and just deepens whatever negative feelings you have.
This isn't to say any of you, my dear readers, are doing this to me, I'm just reflecting about my state of being when I am feeling low. I'm currently quite content, but storms never seem far off the prow of my ship and if I can't be in complete control of my ship I'd like to know where I can find a secure spot on it.
See that! A boat metaphor! I was once using a 'swimming alone' metaphor, and now I'm on a boat! Glad someone came by and helped me aboard! heh. And that's a pretty good analogy. I mean, life is better for me, but I'm still in the seven seas it seems. And you might ask me "What's the deal Aaron? I thought you were doing so good? I thought you were on land!? (sort to speak)", and that's what made me so sad I think, it was realizing that I wasn't, when like you, I thought I was on land too.
Okay, enough boat metaphoring, it's not that good of one. But anyway, more people whom I love have much greater problems than I, and focusing solely on me would not make me very happy.
My dear niece is very, very sick, and I know everyone who reads this is aware of that, but I'd like to close this post with my my love and support for my sister Jenell and her husband Craig. I'm sorry I can't be there to help out, because I would love to. I know the feeling of someones testimony of lesser trials compared to what you feel you're experiencing can seem trite, and maybe they are, but I can't testify of what I don't know. I can testify of God's love for us. And I can testify of receiving blessings while feeling unworthy and ashamed I could merit them. I love your family so much and I can say that God has a plan for all of us, even if that plan includes temporary pain. It sucks, but that's life I suppose, and eventually we'll see the plan if we're patient enough to hold onto our faith.
-A
