I have had an interesting few weeks. I wouldn't say they have been bad weeks, progressive weeks is what I would call them.
This life is not what it appears to be most of the time. Even when we think we see it for what it is, it seems just another level of illusion in time. This perspective can be pretty disheartening at times, but we choose to hope, to press on in our lives, to have faith that our lives will get better with each passing turn in the road. And then sometimes, life is exactly what it has always seemed to be, or what we thought it was, we had just forgotten. These observations are very broad, and obvious, but it never stops astounding me at their potency when you see it again.
Turning these corners, or growing as we like to call it, sucks. There are no two ways about it hehe. There are only two things I have ever found to make it easier for myself. 1. The love of a loved one and 2. The spirit. Unfortunately I am miles away from my family, and I find good friends so rarely that when #1 fails, I tend to fail. I wish I had the strength in me to maintain my faith, to keep it high when difficult times come. When I feel as though I am alone. Luckily I have had some amazing friends right now.
A question I ask myself is my dependency on others. If you remember, dear readers, way back when I began this blog I pondered that very idea. Also, my dependency on God. I have conceded I am nothing without recognizing his hand in my life, and there can be no lasting happiness outside of it. To contrast that Spiritual dependency, with our dependency on others, it isn't all that different. When separated by time or distance from those whom we define our lives by, I can feel the pangs of a similar void of feeling being separated from the Spirit. We can never find real happiness without the conjunction of the two relationships, a person we love, and the Father, who loves us. The fear of losing one of those sides of the recipe of happiness can seem terrifying without the other side supporting us until we balance it. This doubt has rested in the back of my mind for a long time. I get too comfortable too often with either being held up by the Spirit, and having nobody, or visa versa. It seems a great weakness of mine to sustain this balance.
I used to find replacements to balance the sides of the scale rather easily. Games allowed me to fill my waking and sleeping hours (as I often chose). Books allowed me to exit my mind and enter into someone else's. Movies allowed an easy quick escape, but 2 hours doesn't help much when you're brain is as relentless as mine is on itself. I envy people who can simply 'turn off' and go to bed.
But I have changed. Games, movies, and books no longer allow me to just not deal with life. While some might criticize me for my immature distractions, I think it's no different than anyone else's. Everyone finds cheap replacements for that balance. The balance of strength from those we love, and the Spirit that loves us. Problem is, to maintain the balance we've got to be trying, always. And I stopped trying. I got to a level I was comfortable at, and just coasted. My normal routine was to sink back into my distractions and see if I couldn't figure something out on the way down. But that's not happening this time. Because although life isn't going as great as it could be, no true companion and no immovable testimony to be doing everything I should be doing. I do have a couple awfully great friends, and the strength to keep going to church. And as rough of a balance as that is, love is there, and I feel it on both sides.
It's interesting how focused we can become when we are dropping something we are trying to balance, time slows, and nothing else matters whether they be plates of food or our lives.
-Aaron
