Are platonic friendships between men and women possible? It's a question that never seems to get resolved and usually just ends in "I don't know..." once all the arguments are laid out on the table. I am always interested to hear people who have had these strained relationships and their variance of opinions. We want there to be one answer. We want to have a determined end, or comforting argument to justify which ever side we happen to be on.
I have been through two very similar situations in my life (one is still happening, but its finish is irrelevant which I will explain). I have liked two girls in which both have declined my advances and simply wanted to be friends. I felt a deep soul bond with both girls, and been head over heels for both. In a lot of regards the beginnings of each relationship were very similar. Lots of drama and pain in between the initial admission of interest, and a LOT more on the second.
The first girl I believed whole heartily that we could be friends and completely ignored the voice in the back of my head that said I was only being friends because I hoped she would change her mind and want me in a romantic sense. In some ways I can see that happening in marriages quite easily. Wanting the person so badly that you're willing to restructure your needs to better fit the object of your affection. So, we remained friends from much pleading from myself (I'll never forget that conversation and my idiocy). So friends we remained, I played my part, she didn't really want or need to be my friend in retrospect, but her mistake was indulging me because she didn't want to hurt me I suppose. Years of hoping and waiting passed on my end. My confidence was slowly tearing apart as what I wanted would always remain outside of my grasp. I would never get it it seemed, and resigned myself to try and be as happy as I could with this knowledge. A lot of that remains to this day unfortunately, but here's the second part.
I found someone who provided the exact opposite of that of the first girl. I felt my soul heal, happiness elevated me and I felt like she was healing me. We were friends immediately. Unfortunately I had learned from my previous relationship that not only men and women really couldn't be friends, but more importantly I couldn't be friends with someone I wanted. I was and am scarred and I will probably always carry some of that with me. However, because of the difference of this new girl, because she actually cared about me and not just about making another person sad and how that looked, I am able to maintain a friendship. Because this second girl is able to give me confidence, and talk to me honestly about everything I no longer feel lost, tumbling down a dark hole. And I was tumbling down a hole, and one day I might never have been able to get a hold of something firm, had it not been for the hand of the second girl.
Really these two girls have nothing in common, other than I wanted both in my life.
To summarize my experiences: The statement "men and women can/can't be just friends" is a pointless question. The real question is whether you are able to be friends with which ever person you want to be with. It is complicated, difficult, painful and it is worth finding out. I have made the mistake of being friends with someone who I couldn't be just friends with, and I almost made the mistake of not being friends with another because of it. I almost gave up one of the best relationships of my life.
I dedicate this post to Meagan. She makes it possible for me to be who I know I can be. She also makes it possible for me to feel peace in a place torn and scarred. She is my best friend.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
June 28th? Hmm...
Oh ya! Jenell's Birthday. My sister, Jenell Giles turns 30. Or as we in the blogging business call this ... the 30th birthday. Anyway, I guess I should talk about my amazing sister some.
Jenell, being the oldest of my sisters, took on a surrogate mother roll with me as a child. She was always kind, sharing, and I never felt alienated with her. I don't remember if we actually ever fought about anything really. Maybe we did, but I really don't remember it. Now this may not be saying much to most of you, but if I were to list my fights with Andrea and Michelle you would almost be hard pressed to find a stretch of days without a fight growing up.
Jenell is a kind, generous, conscientious, strong woman and mom. I would hate to type "she has been through a lot" as if that encompassed her life. She has done much more to deserve the honorary "gone through a lot" phrase and deserves the respect and praise of her family and friends. Not enough can be said for those mentally, physically and spiritually strong enough to pass through the trials and challenges that she faces and come out optimistic and hopeful. I quite honestly have no idea what nuanced challenges someone faces raising a family, let alone as she has. There is something spectacular about Jenell and her strength, and I'd like to tip my hat to her. Jenell, you have been a supremely wonderful sister to me. You have also been a good friend and adviser that I have never felt guilty or pressured by you to be anything I didn't want to be. I once spoke of a guiding hand that carries us through trails and I believe Jenell is one of the strongest hands in our family.
Happy Birthday, I hope you get to have a great day today, you more than deserve it.
p.s. I am laying out plans for our apartments food storage, but catching the second cat is proving to be very difficult.
Jenell, being the oldest of my sisters, took on a surrogate mother roll with me as a child. She was always kind, sharing, and I never felt alienated with her. I don't remember if we actually ever fought about anything really. Maybe we did, but I really don't remember it. Now this may not be saying much to most of you, but if I were to list my fights with Andrea and Michelle you would almost be hard pressed to find a stretch of days without a fight growing up.
Jenell is a kind, generous, conscientious, strong woman and mom. I would hate to type "she has been through a lot" as if that encompassed her life. She has done much more to deserve the honorary "gone through a lot" phrase and deserves the respect and praise of her family and friends. Not enough can be said for those mentally, physically and spiritually strong enough to pass through the trials and challenges that she faces and come out optimistic and hopeful. I quite honestly have no idea what nuanced challenges someone faces raising a family, let alone as she has. There is something spectacular about Jenell and her strength, and I'd like to tip my hat to her. Jenell, you have been a supremely wonderful sister to me. You have also been a good friend and adviser that I have never felt guilty or pressured by you to be anything I didn't want to be. I once spoke of a guiding hand that carries us through trails and I believe Jenell is one of the strongest hands in our family.
Happy Birthday, I hope you get to have a great day today, you more than deserve it.
p.s. I am laying out plans for our apartments food storage, but catching the second cat is proving to be very difficult.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Ego
I have been told I have an ego. I admit this. The problem is that it's relative and biased based on perspectives. I'm no psychologist and won't pretend to really know what I'm talking about here.
The interesting point I want to talk about is why we have problems with people with ego's. It seems to come into conflict with those who supposedly dont have ego's, or at least not in the context in which the two are arguing. One side, the Ego, has come to conclusions, whether valid or not, and is firm in believing his findings are correct. The other, the Open Mind, rallies against the conclusions the ego has made. It's silly how often this happens in the large scale (political debates, religious leaders, etc) and on the small scale (If the milk is bad, if you locked the door, etc). This happens all the time. And me, enjoying the art of thought and verse, am inexorability thrust into this situation.
Unfortunately not everyone enjoys this, and some of these people are those we love. When you feel like the person you are going to talk to has an answers to questions unasked it makes it very difficult to trust that person with your concern. Having answers is okay, but it's the timing that's important, and egotistical people don't have good timing. It's the balance between accepting there are things we don't understand and things we do (or so I believe), and can answer. Unfortunately it's been said I'm too smart for my own good, and that's true too. I'm trying to relinquish the ego while maintain my identity. But the problem is when you're too smart for your own good it's difficult to accept that you yourself can't fix it. That it takes a guiding hand that the ego will accept. I know I have been that hand at times, and I have had others close to me be that hand.
Please understand too that I am having fun at the expense of my ego a LOT of the time. While I may have an ego, he also has a very good sense of humor about it all.
-A
The interesting point I want to talk about is why we have problems with people with ego's. It seems to come into conflict with those who supposedly dont have ego's, or at least not in the context in which the two are arguing. One side, the Ego, has come to conclusions, whether valid or not, and is firm in believing his findings are correct. The other, the Open Mind, rallies against the conclusions the ego has made. It's silly how often this happens in the large scale (political debates, religious leaders, etc) and on the small scale (If the milk is bad, if you locked the door, etc). This happens all the time. And me, enjoying the art of thought and verse, am inexorability thrust into this situation.
Unfortunately not everyone enjoys this, and some of these people are those we love. When you feel like the person you are going to talk to has an answers to questions unasked it makes it very difficult to trust that person with your concern. Having answers is okay, but it's the timing that's important, and egotistical people don't have good timing. It's the balance between accepting there are things we don't understand and things we do (or so I believe), and can answer. Unfortunately it's been said I'm too smart for my own good, and that's true too. I'm trying to relinquish the ego while maintain my identity. But the problem is when you're too smart for your own good it's difficult to accept that you yourself can't fix it. That it takes a guiding hand that the ego will accept. I know I have been that hand at times, and I have had others close to me be that hand.
Please understand too that I am having fun at the expense of my ego a LOT of the time. While I may have an ego, he also has a very good sense of humor about it all.
-A
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Story Telling
I want to talk about story telling. I have come to realize how much our lives are so entrenched with it. When we talk we are story telling, when we talk about the past, hopes for the future, everything. I can see the small undercurrent of story telling in almost everything we do.
Obviously books, movies, tv shows and even music are story telling. Understanding that everything on it's basic level is just a story being told can make a lot things come into perspective.
Every story has a time and place, and we choose when that is. I want to be told a scary story, a story that will make me feel good inside, one that will make me change my perspective on a subject, or one that just allows me to laugh. After all the dressings of marketers and different formats that they come in, they all just come down to a story. And I try to be critical of this, the most basic element of what it is.
I love story telling, this blog is my story to you. And what kind of story is this I wonder? I honestly don't know, it's the story of my mind I suppose, and can the mind be categorized into a simple story? Maybe...
I meant to write about books that I liked (I just finished 'Salems Lot) and what I love about good story tellers. I often wonder about other people's evolutions of taste. What is interesting is that in all the mediums of story telling, my taste has aligned with what I can only compare to like wrappings of stories.
And with so much thinking about the power of stories I can't help but think of the scriptures and their stories. And the story of this world, and of us as a people. It seems interesting that we can wrap everything up inside a story no matter how big it is. A lot of people reject truth because it isn't wrapped up in a story that they can accept, or live their lives according to the roll they feel they have in the story of life. I am guilty of both I know.
Story telling is who we are and what we do. I think it is important to recognize when it is good, bad, or just poorly wrapped.
-A
Obviously books, movies, tv shows and even music are story telling. Understanding that everything on it's basic level is just a story being told can make a lot things come into perspective.
Every story has a time and place, and we choose when that is. I want to be told a scary story, a story that will make me feel good inside, one that will make me change my perspective on a subject, or one that just allows me to laugh. After all the dressings of marketers and different formats that they come in, they all just come down to a story. And I try to be critical of this, the most basic element of what it is.
I love story telling, this blog is my story to you. And what kind of story is this I wonder? I honestly don't know, it's the story of my mind I suppose, and can the mind be categorized into a simple story? Maybe...
I meant to write about books that I liked (I just finished 'Salems Lot) and what I love about good story tellers. I often wonder about other people's evolutions of taste. What is interesting is that in all the mediums of story telling, my taste has aligned with what I can only compare to like wrappings of stories.
And with so much thinking about the power of stories I can't help but think of the scriptures and their stories. And the story of this world, and of us as a people. It seems interesting that we can wrap everything up inside a story no matter how big it is. A lot of people reject truth because it isn't wrapped up in a story that they can accept, or live their lives according to the roll they feel they have in the story of life. I am guilty of both I know.
Story telling is who we are and what we do. I think it is important to recognize when it is good, bad, or just poorly wrapped.
-A
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
A Revolution
I've got to get this down before I go to sleep.
I talked to my old roommate Kris. He's in an amazing difficult situation in his life right now and he told me some things that made a lot of sense, and gave me a lot of hope and perspective.
Bare with me dear reader, I am going to start a revolution.
-A
ps. I was eating a Frosty with fries when this happened. It might be the best combination ever.
I talked to my old roommate Kris. He's in an amazing difficult situation in his life right now and he told me some things that made a lot of sense, and gave me a lot of hope and perspective.
Bare with me dear reader, I am going to start a revolution.
-A
ps. I was eating a Frosty with fries when this happened. It might be the best combination ever.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
If this is boring, let me know
So, I went to church today. It was about as boring as always I think. I had a small discussion with my roommate James during a particularly boring talk (the delivery, not the subject). My point was that the moments in which I feel the spirit come when I find a solution to a personal problem, not just repeating gospel principles and singing a song. With as bland and watered down the lessons we have in Elders Quorum are, I can't help but think it will always be boring for me, or at least 90% of the time. False assumptions, poor perspective, and just poor asking of questions keep me in a state of slight frustration in classes most time. Maybe I should say what I think, and let it fall where it may, but I could be challenging everyone unfairly (especially the teacher). I would also be challenging the flow of the class, which disruption could do more harm than good, since it would only be alleviating my boredom. I love talking about the church and spirituality... but not as it's lined out in lesson plans. I hate being bored with subjects that I love. It makes me irritable. For a long time I felt immense guilt about this. I felt it deep down inside and it made me very sad that I was that way... so I tried to just "fake it 'till I made it", only I still cant seem to 'make it'. And I'm coming to the opinion that I don't have to. I don't have to feel guilty about my boredom or my distaste in teachers. I come to this conclusion because I realized even if I wasn't bored, and we were having some amazing conversation, I still wouldn't feel the Spirit. I feel it when I am having a discussion or thought process that leads me to a brick wall in which I can't over come. At this moment, when a rope is lowered to help me climb over it I feel it. I don't walk around feeling the spirit, I don't sit in class and feel the spirit, I don't do a lot of 'spiritual' things and feel it. So, my point is, church is boring, and I don't feel guilty about it. I wish I had a solution to boring speakers/teachers, but they will always be there. Just a reality we all have to deal with I guess... my question is, knowing what we, the bored, know, do we have the duty to speak up? Of course I know that's correct, it's just... it seems like such a long jump, I and I wouldn't want anyone just pushing me before I was ready to jump. And if it's a gradual process in which I have to hold everyone's hand and let them know they don't have to be bored either (I know everyone is just as bored as I am sometimes), maybe that's what has to happen.
No conclusions, just thoughts so far.
Oh, and no prospects yet. I did spot a Jennifer Conolly look-a-like... unfortunately she's as tall as the real Jennifer Conolly. Shorties need not apply lol.
No conclusions, just thoughts so far.
Oh, and no prospects yet. I did spot a Jennifer Conolly look-a-like... unfortunately she's as tall as the real Jennifer Conolly. Shorties need not apply lol.
Friday, June 20, 2008
The List
I couldn't think of anything to post today... so as Friends fans rejoice, the List is underway (fortunately I can't laminate this one).
5. Cindy Crawford, circa 1990 - Nothing as pure as a boys dream and a can of Pepsi
4. Faith Hill - Country girls always did it for me.
3. Morena Baccarin - I know she plays a hooker... but honestly, I don't care.
2. Jessica Alba - Um, Jess is a lot like her, so hot and so unaware of it (similar names zomg!).
1. Jennifer Connolly - Since Rocketeer I haven't got her out of my head.
International List (missing final order)
2. Kate Winslet - I think I watched Titanic more than once...
3. Rachel Weis - Intelligence meets beauty, it's a highly favorable trait.
1. Shakira - I speak Spanish, she speaks Spanish, I don't know what more convincing she needs.
5. Cindy Crawford, circa 1990 - Nothing as pure as a boys dream and a can of Pepsi
4. Faith Hill - Country girls always did it for me.
3. Morena Baccarin - I know she plays a hooker... but honestly, I don't care.
2. Jessica Alba - Um, Jess is a lot like her, so hot and so unaware of it (similar names zomg!).
1. Jennifer Connolly - Since Rocketeer I haven't got her out of my head.
International List (missing final order)
2. Kate Winslet - I think I watched Titanic more than once...
3. Rachel Weis - Intelligence meets beauty, it's a highly favorable trait.
1. Shakira - I speak Spanish, she speaks Spanish, I don't know what more convincing she needs.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Recap
We were becoming fast friends. Everything felt really natural and really good. I was amazed to all of a sudden have someone in my life that helped me focus my life so clearly and quickly. I didn't talk to anyone about her because, honestly, I didn't really think it was going to work out, and then I'd have a mess on my blog... guess that happened anyway. But, I did talk to a friend of mine and he asked if I was seeing anyone... and I told him about this possibility, Jess, and he sort of talked me up into letting her know I was interested in her more than a friend. I talked to her a few times and got some signals mixed up I guess. She had told me some things earlier on that I just sort of blocked out or misinterpreted and I went for it anyway. So, I told her I liked her a lot, and wanted to get to know her better... which led to her asking:
"So I would really like it if we could be really honest and because of where I am right now I have to ask so don't get weird on me k, when you say you like me alot what does that mean?"
Which I explained my position as honestly and noninvasive as possible (I didn't declare my undying love for her if that's what you expect from a hopeless romantic like me). And she took a moment to respond... it was a very scary moment, and when the term "Just friends" came up my heart sank to be honest. Everything I had been telling myself and others had been telling me about my chances here were completely wrong... my hopes were wrong, and coming from a position of pure hope right now, it took the rug out from under me a little bit.
We talked some afterwords and she tried to console me, which never works ladies, I'm sorry, I know you want to do it, and it feels right (and it very well might be), but the fact that it doesn't work will never change. That doesn't mean you shouldn't do it however, it's just a bitter medicine to swallow. Guys only take it when they honestly want a friendship after, which is almost none... but then, I never was very normal. Flashbacks to my friendship with Jen came rushing at me. History repeating it felt like right now, and I was playing along because the only alternative at the moment was getting very angry at her and essentially hurting her unfairly, as I felt hurt unfairly.
I eventually ended the conversation and couldn't sleep. I was slowly working myself up... there was more I left unsaid that I felt I needed to say, however unfair it was to her. I felt like I needed a better clear answer as to 'why'. So, I started to write in the one place I can... that's right dear reader, right here.
A lot of ugly stuff came out, and when the morning came she woke up and read what I had written, then messaged me a rebuttal. We had left things the night before decent, but what I wrote was out of left field.. hurtful, and painful. How could everything I wrote not be pointed at her? It honestly wasn't, it was more like I described earlier, an avalanche. I felt rejected, and it didn't feel good. Well, her message was written through tears she informed me... she was really hurt, and I wasn't the only one that was hurt after last night. I had betrayed her trust in a few ways, and after reading it all... she was completely right, and I felt like shit on a stick. And that's putting it lightly. I took down my post and put up an apology post, which most of you saw I think. (don't ask me to re-post the post I took down so you could understand why she was so angry with me please... I can't even remember what terribleness that was). I wrote some more personal messages of apology to her (about a page worth), but she wasn't responding...
So, about 5 dollars worth of text messages later I finally got her to agree to meet me and not cut me into small pieces when I saw her. She was surprisingly calm, wary, but calm. I apologized the best I could and explained I didn't know how it all sort of got blown out of proportion. We talked a little about mixed signals and friendships. She's such an amazing person the entire situation was easy after I lowered my head for the chopping block. We talked for about 2 hours (I think I talked almost the entire time). Turns out she's not good with words, so it's a good thing I am. An interesting question she posed however was if we were too honest with each other. And we ended talking about that and if we could ever be "normal" friends. And we ended the talk on those points... not really having answers, but both feeling better I think.
So, that's about it. We're friends, and it almost feels like nothing happened really. And nothing did happen, I all of a sudden feel like I'm in 6th grade and how the smallest things seem huge, but in all reality they're just normal interactions everyone has.
Our friendship starts here I suppose, I've just got to be wary, I don't know if I'll ever really be able to drown that impulsive romantic that's seen too many movies and holds onto hope. He's never really helped me out, just gotten me into a lot of trouble and pain. Sounds like Meagan has had some success, maybe Jess would spring the bill for me, since it would be our friendship she would be saving haha.
-A
"So I would really like it if we could be really honest and because of where I am right now I have to ask so don't get weird on me k, when you say you like me alot what does that mean?"
Which I explained my position as honestly and noninvasive as possible (I didn't declare my undying love for her if that's what you expect from a hopeless romantic like me). And she took a moment to respond... it was a very scary moment, and when the term "Just friends" came up my heart sank to be honest. Everything I had been telling myself and others had been telling me about my chances here were completely wrong... my hopes were wrong, and coming from a position of pure hope right now, it took the rug out from under me a little bit.
We talked some afterwords and she tried to console me, which never works ladies, I'm sorry, I know you want to do it, and it feels right (and it very well might be), but the fact that it doesn't work will never change. That doesn't mean you shouldn't do it however, it's just a bitter medicine to swallow. Guys only take it when they honestly want a friendship after, which is almost none... but then, I never was very normal. Flashbacks to my friendship with Jen came rushing at me. History repeating it felt like right now, and I was playing along because the only alternative at the moment was getting very angry at her and essentially hurting her unfairly, as I felt hurt unfairly.
I eventually ended the conversation and couldn't sleep. I was slowly working myself up... there was more I left unsaid that I felt I needed to say, however unfair it was to her. I felt like I needed a better clear answer as to 'why'. So, I started to write in the one place I can... that's right dear reader, right here.
A lot of ugly stuff came out, and when the morning came she woke up and read what I had written, then messaged me a rebuttal. We had left things the night before decent, but what I wrote was out of left field.. hurtful, and painful. How could everything I wrote not be pointed at her? It honestly wasn't, it was more like I described earlier, an avalanche. I felt rejected, and it didn't feel good. Well, her message was written through tears she informed me... she was really hurt, and I wasn't the only one that was hurt after last night. I had betrayed her trust in a few ways, and after reading it all... she was completely right, and I felt like shit on a stick. And that's putting it lightly. I took down my post and put up an apology post, which most of you saw I think. (don't ask me to re-post the post I took down so you could understand why she was so angry with me please... I can't even remember what terribleness that was). I wrote some more personal messages of apology to her (about a page worth), but she wasn't responding...
So, about 5 dollars worth of text messages later I finally got her to agree to meet me and not cut me into small pieces when I saw her. She was surprisingly calm, wary, but calm. I apologized the best I could and explained I didn't know how it all sort of got blown out of proportion. We talked a little about mixed signals and friendships. She's such an amazing person the entire situation was easy after I lowered my head for the chopping block. We talked for about 2 hours (I think I talked almost the entire time). Turns out she's not good with words, so it's a good thing I am. An interesting question she posed however was if we were too honest with each other. And we ended talking about that and if we could ever be "normal" friends. And we ended the talk on those points... not really having answers, but both feeling better I think.
So, that's about it. We're friends, and it almost feels like nothing happened really. And nothing did happen, I all of a sudden feel like I'm in 6th grade and how the smallest things seem huge, but in all reality they're just normal interactions everyone has.
Our friendship starts here I suppose, I've just got to be wary, I don't know if I'll ever really be able to drown that impulsive romantic that's seen too many movies and holds onto hope. He's never really helped me out, just gotten me into a lot of trouble and pain. Sounds like Meagan has had some success, maybe Jess would spring the bill for me, since it would be our friendship she would be saving haha.
-A
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Let's all take a breath
Let's all take a breath and relax shall we? I mean, I kinda freaked out last night to be honest. Last night really wasn't about Jess (I talked to her today, she said I could use her name) It was about me and some frustrations I have in my life and have had in the past. I realized I haven't really talked about all that, and I wasn't totally fair to Jen either. Really most the people involved with me are just a by standards to my wake of analysis.
I won't lie, I'm feeling pretty good right now. I feel at ease, calm, collected, somewhat reflective. There are some pressing questions I don't have the answer to, and to follow suite with my new attitude, I'm okay with that. Maybe I don't need the answer right now to feel okay. Maybe just feeling good right now is good enough. Because I honestly don't think there are answers to some of the questions that I have, certainly not sweeping general answers (like the ones I'm so fond of). Can men and women ever be pure friends (enough books and movies have tackled this and I've never seen evidence of it... but does that make it not true?)? Are the feelings that one might share for the other person progressive? Ensuring an inevitable blow out of feelings once more? And more importantly, are these things true for me. I don't know if anyone can answer that question but me.
To ensure avalanches don't happen, demolition men plant charges and force them in controlled, safe ways so no one gets hurt. It was but a snow flake that caused this avalanche, no one saw it coming, luckily everyone made it out alive and is more respectful of the mountain. It's not wise for us to assume we know everything there is to know, and go skiing on dangerous slopes. It is best handled by professionals... And that's an interesting question too, do I need a psychologist? Maybe I don't need one, no one needs one, but I think everyone can be helped by one.
Anyway, have a good night everyone. I even got a hug, I'm feeling pretty good.
-A
I won't lie, I'm feeling pretty good right now. I feel at ease, calm, collected, somewhat reflective. There are some pressing questions I don't have the answer to, and to follow suite with my new attitude, I'm okay with that. Maybe I don't need the answer right now to feel okay. Maybe just feeling good right now is good enough. Because I honestly don't think there are answers to some of the questions that I have, certainly not sweeping general answers (like the ones I'm so fond of). Can men and women ever be pure friends (enough books and movies have tackled this and I've never seen evidence of it... but does that make it not true?)? Are the feelings that one might share for the other person progressive? Ensuring an inevitable blow out of feelings once more? And more importantly, are these things true for me. I don't know if anyone can answer that question but me.
To ensure avalanches don't happen, demolition men plant charges and force them in controlled, safe ways so no one gets hurt. It was but a snow flake that caused this avalanche, no one saw it coming, luckily everyone made it out alive and is more respectful of the mountain. It's not wise for us to assume we know everything there is to know, and go skiing on dangerous slopes. It is best handled by professionals... And that's an interesting question too, do I need a psychologist? Maybe I don't need one, no one needs one, but I think everyone can be helped by one.
Anyway, have a good night everyone. I even got a hug, I'm feeling pretty good.
-A
Being Hasty
Is a bad trait of mine. I eat my burritos too quickly and bite into a frozen portion in the middle. I'll buy the first shirt I like at the mall instead of checking across the street for the same shirt that costs 25 dollars less. And occasionally I'll write about feelings I have when they aren't actually my feelings but just ruffled feathers.
I'll liken it to the line in the movie 12 Angry Men: "I'll kill you!" says one man "Now you don't really mean that do you?" says the other. I haven't gone back over what I had previously posted, and I think I'll just delete it forever. Somethings, whether they be there or not are not good to be read over and studied. It was my ego flaring up, and he is an ugly SOB.
More over my concern is it's effect on those who read it. I can't even think about that right now, I kinda want to forget it was even there... but like that expensive shirt I have hanging in the closet I won't be able to ever throw it away. And I'll probably never normalize the relationship I ruined.
Two things: 1. I don't feel how I feel when I posted that, those feelings were unfair, biased and not who I am. 2. It was not fair of me to post them, for anyone.
It wasn't only me that was hurt last night. I've got to remember that. I am sorry for wasting your time in that last post, being Hasty is a bad habit of mine.
So, everyone is probably steaming over who this was all about. And no, it's not who you think. I met this girl that lives in a different building than me and we got a long really well and things were going great I thought (she asked me not to ever use her name here, so I wont) but I totally botched it and now I don't even know we can ever go back to being friends because of my betrayal. I thought a split second about not posting all that crap last night... but I'm not nearly as strong as I suppose, and I did want to share it, and I wanted other people to be able to feel it... what a waste of a person I am sometimes. Good friends don't do that to each other, I'm not a very good friend sometimes. But, I'm doubtful she'll ever read this thing again, so I'll have to try to patch it over somehow.
Anyway, sorry about that folks, must have been disturbing to read, I don't even want to look at it.
- A
I'll liken it to the line in the movie 12 Angry Men: "I'll kill you!" says one man "Now you don't really mean that do you?" says the other. I haven't gone back over what I had previously posted, and I think I'll just delete it forever. Somethings, whether they be there or not are not good to be read over and studied. It was my ego flaring up, and he is an ugly SOB.
More over my concern is it's effect on those who read it. I can't even think about that right now, I kinda want to forget it was even there... but like that expensive shirt I have hanging in the closet I won't be able to ever throw it away. And I'll probably never normalize the relationship I ruined.
Two things: 1. I don't feel how I feel when I posted that, those feelings were unfair, biased and not who I am. 2. It was not fair of me to post them, for anyone.
It wasn't only me that was hurt last night. I've got to remember that. I am sorry for wasting your time in that last post, being Hasty is a bad habit of mine.
So, everyone is probably steaming over who this was all about. And no, it's not who you think. I met this girl that lives in a different building than me and we got a long really well and things were going great I thought (she asked me not to ever use her name here, so I wont) but I totally botched it and now I don't even know we can ever go back to being friends because of my betrayal. I thought a split second about not posting all that crap last night... but I'm not nearly as strong as I suppose, and I did want to share it, and I wanted other people to be able to feel it... what a waste of a person I am sometimes. Good friends don't do that to each other, I'm not a very good friend sometimes. But, I'm doubtful she'll ever read this thing again, so I'll have to try to patch it over somehow.
Anyway, sorry about that folks, must have been disturbing to read, I don't even want to look at it.
- A
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
So now what?
Now what do I write about now that my experiment has now concluded? What's more interesting is the effects it's had on me. My attempt was to see if I could document the changes of quality of life from living an "active", "happy" Mormon life to a seminal "normal" life. It came to me when I met a non member family in Arizona whose lives seemed happier, more productive, and more grounded in their morals than most active Mormons (myself included). They're the kind of people who we would describe to other Mormons as so close, "If only they'd hear the discussions..." And so I thought. I spoke at length with my good friend Marcus (the husband) at length about the Church and what happiness he could find for his family. But quite honestly, he told me, he couldn't be any happier than he was now. And that was true enough, I couldn't deny the love he and his family had, it was really inspiring to see actually. They were financially stable, successful, and very disciplined family (very into martial arts). They didn't have to give up 10% of their income, the didn't have to go to church every Sunday, and yet they seemed to reap every blessing we hope to achieve (temporally that is). It was startling really. So, quite honestly, I wanted that. And for all the blessings we proclaim to receive because of our sacrifices I never met anyone who lived as well as my good friends in Arizona. I imagine a lot of people join the Church based off of their Mormon neighbors who seem to live the way my friends in Arizona lived. They just seem so happy, how can I get that? Talk to these two young men? Do what they say? Okay! And a new member is born. But here I was, not a year off my mission, with all the wisdom I had learned on my mission at my disposal , and I couldn't convince a happy man that there was more happiness to be had... and I wanted what they had.
In all reality I just got lazy, and I saw you could possibly be just as happy right now without having to go to singles ward and dance the stupid singles dance, play their games, and listen to their drive. I just sort of went church-inactive, I was disheartened by what I had to do to be considered "active" really. I hated that. And I still kinda do, and I imagine I kinda always will. But it is no longer a determining factor in my activity in the Church or a detriment to my testimony.
So, I slipped. And a scary idea occurred to me about a kind of experiment I could do. I was fascinated by it and terrified at trying it to what could happen to me. I could never actually recommend anything I do or think about because I've learned what I need is not what other people need. We make our choices of who we are and what we are able to accept, I am almost always of the opinion that the more difficult the better. The harder the trial, the better the reward sort of thinking. And I liked to think that by choosing the more difficult path was a noble endeavor, but I came to a personal conclusion about that sort of general thinking. And that conclusion is: if you lose the grounding principles you can gain nothing of value.
I find it hard to describe what changed in me really. The best I can describe it is this: You know when you're on an airplane and you grab both wrong ends of a seat belt? You know you have two pieces of a seat belt, and for a moment confused as to why it doesn't work. When laid everything down in my life to look at it, and then tried to pick it back up, one of the ends slipped through the crack. What I was doing was trying to force the two pieces together, I had completely forgotten the other piece that makes a seat belt work. The two pieces are always just described as "the seat belt" and never "the female end" and "the male end" as they actually are referred to by a technician. Looking at me from a distance you probably couldn't figure out why I couldn't get my seat belt to work (everyone else is buckled in and ready for take off). But, I found the missing piece and that's the important thing. I'll let the metaphor drop before I have to describe if it was the female side or the male side that was missing haha!
I have more to say on this subject, considering how large a topic it is, but I'll try to condense it more for you dear reader.
In all reality I just got lazy, and I saw you could possibly be just as happy right now without having to go to singles ward and dance the stupid singles dance, play their games, and listen to their drive. I just sort of went church-inactive, I was disheartened by what I had to do to be considered "active" really. I hated that. And I still kinda do, and I imagine I kinda always will. But it is no longer a determining factor in my activity in the Church or a detriment to my testimony.
So, I slipped. And a scary idea occurred to me about a kind of experiment I could do. I was fascinated by it and terrified at trying it to what could happen to me. I could never actually recommend anything I do or think about because I've learned what I need is not what other people need. We make our choices of who we are and what we are able to accept, I am almost always of the opinion that the more difficult the better. The harder the trial, the better the reward sort of thinking. And I liked to think that by choosing the more difficult path was a noble endeavor, but I came to a personal conclusion about that sort of general thinking. And that conclusion is: if you lose the grounding principles you can gain nothing of value.
I find it hard to describe what changed in me really. The best I can describe it is this: You know when you're on an airplane and you grab both wrong ends of a seat belt? You know you have two pieces of a seat belt, and for a moment confused as to why it doesn't work. When laid everything down in my life to look at it, and then tried to pick it back up, one of the ends slipped through the crack. What I was doing was trying to force the two pieces together, I had completely forgotten the other piece that makes a seat belt work. The two pieces are always just described as "the seat belt" and never "the female end" and "the male end" as they actually are referred to by a technician. Looking at me from a distance you probably couldn't figure out why I couldn't get my seat belt to work (everyone else is buckled in and ready for take off). But, I found the missing piece and that's the important thing. I'll let the metaphor drop before I have to describe if it was the female side or the male side that was missing haha!
I have more to say on this subject, considering how large a topic it is, but I'll try to condense it more for you dear reader.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Dear Blog,
Having a hard time coming up with something to say in your blog? The following is a few tips I've learned.
Step 1: Just write. Most the time I have no idea what my post is going to be about before I start typing, then I stumble upon something, rewrite the beginning and looks like a cohesive post.
Step 2: Write what you feel about what you do. One of my companions on the mission would enter in just purely what we did that day in his journal like such:
"We studied, we went to teach Josephina, she wasn't there, so we walked around for a little bit, contacted a few people and got a few appointments"
Pretty dull ya? Here's what I would write:
"I read an interesting passage (id quote said passage) that made me feel different about how I had been interpreting the gifts of the spirit. When we went to teach Josephina she wasn't there, I had a feeling she wouldn't be, I don't think I'll go back, she doesn't seem to be interested, just another person who wants to talk with us instead of listen to us. I'll pray about it and we'll see next week. Our contacting didn't go well, I let him do most of it, he seemed to need the practice I think. I was pretty impressed when he got an appointment off this older guy we talked to, usually people in that apartment don't respond well..."
Now, maybe it's not condensed very well, and maybe it's too this or too that, but the fact that its something makes it worth something. A year back looking at that day would my companion remember Josephina? or that awesome contact? Probably not. And the difference I discovered is that it's about writing what you do, and then how you feel about it, however mundane it is (and being honest about it). If you can analyze how you feel about something, you can write in my opinion, maybe not well, but you can write something and that's the important part.
Step 3: The rewrite. You can always go back over it and fix whatever, but it's best if you don't. Having it free and loose is a good way to draw people in, it feels like a conversation. So just let the little stuff slide and follow step 1. People don't really care so much about how I feel about something I think, it's just the fact that I offer it up to them to have a comment conversation about it. The old adage "People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care" is true in writing. Most of my posts are about my own ignorance interesting enough (though ask me in person I'll fiercely deny that!).
In Conclusion I want to inspire people to write more because I've reaped many of the blessings of writing in a journal or writing this blog even (which in some ways is a journal). I can also pull the religion card and say you're actually supposed to be doing it! The general authorities said so! (not blogging per say, but journaling maybe). Writing can be a totally freeing experience and one that can help and change everything in your life for the better. I feel I get to know myself much better by writing more and more, and I like myself, so I count it as a good thing.
Step 1: Just write. Most the time I have no idea what my post is going to be about before I start typing, then I stumble upon something, rewrite the beginning and looks like a cohesive post.
Step 2: Write what you feel about what you do. One of my companions on the mission would enter in just purely what we did that day in his journal like such:
"We studied, we went to teach Josephina, she wasn't there, so we walked around for a little bit, contacted a few people and got a few appointments"
Pretty dull ya? Here's what I would write:
"I read an interesting passage (id quote said passage) that made me feel different about how I had been interpreting the gifts of the spirit. When we went to teach Josephina she wasn't there, I had a feeling she wouldn't be, I don't think I'll go back, she doesn't seem to be interested, just another person who wants to talk with us instead of listen to us. I'll pray about it and we'll see next week. Our contacting didn't go well, I let him do most of it, he seemed to need the practice I think. I was pretty impressed when he got an appointment off this older guy we talked to, usually people in that apartment don't respond well..."
Now, maybe it's not condensed very well, and maybe it's too this or too that, but the fact that its something makes it worth something. A year back looking at that day would my companion remember Josephina? or that awesome contact? Probably not. And the difference I discovered is that it's about writing what you do, and then how you feel about it, however mundane it is (and being honest about it). If you can analyze how you feel about something, you can write in my opinion, maybe not well, but you can write something and that's the important part.
Step 3: The rewrite. You can always go back over it and fix whatever, but it's best if you don't. Having it free and loose is a good way to draw people in, it feels like a conversation. So just let the little stuff slide and follow step 1. People don't really care so much about how I feel about something I think, it's just the fact that I offer it up to them to have a comment conversation about it. The old adage "People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care" is true in writing. Most of my posts are about my own ignorance interesting enough (though ask me in person I'll fiercely deny that!).
In Conclusion I want to inspire people to write more because I've reaped many of the blessings of writing in a journal or writing this blog even (which in some ways is a journal). I can also pull the religion card and say you're actually supposed to be doing it! The general authorities said so! (not blogging per say, but journaling maybe). Writing can be a totally freeing experience and one that can help and change everything in your life for the better. I feel I get to know myself much better by writing more and more, and I like myself, so I count it as a good thing.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Ignorance is Bliss... but is more expensive.
Okay, so some have called me snooty, overly critical, or a snob even. Here's the deal, I have been exposed to some really good story telling, some really good life changing music, books, movies and even video games (as far as entertainment). But a lot of people watch, read, and play the same things I do, yet have no idea when they are being ripped off, cheated and patronized. And I guess I'm fascinated by the decision people like me, who get angry when this happens, versus those who are just always entertained and only seem to have "Like it" and "Love it!" on their opinion meters. Us snobs like to think by being critical we are able to have more fun, or enjoy something even more because knowing no shortcuts were taken, no detail overlooked, and genuine care was taken in creation. Formulaic ideas don't sit well with us critics, not to say they can't or don't (see Harry Potter), but generally the formula is there because it's easy, and can be reproduced without backlash and for profit generally.
And that's the point that we snooty, artsy folk get hung up on: some guy recognizes a large portion of us (us as a society) will still buy the formula if it's dressed up with enough marketing. Instead of re-filming a portion of a movie to fix a glaring plot or performance error, they can spend 5 million on a good marketing campaign and save 10 million in movie production. It's like in Elf, when the dad doesn't "okay" the reprint because it's missing the last few pages, "What, you think some kid's gonna notice two pages?". We deserve better. It's about moving past the idea that they can have our money just for producing something. Not to say we critics are perfect, sometimes it just feels like we're being taken advantage of and it's not the case.
I will admit that I have been wrong in misjudging various things. So, how can the "light" or purely "entertaining" items ever pass my critical-eye-beam-of-death? Marketers are often to blame for these eye-beam related deaths as the critics themselves imo (imo = in my opinion). There is no code of ethics within the successful marketing companies. They're job is to tell you what you want to hear and sell it. If you've never been mislead by an advertising maybe you have no idea what I'm talking about, but most of us have. Maybe my outrage over these things is meaningless, maybe the dollars I hold back from buying into the crap they're trying to sell me won't change the system... but it does change the system for me. And more importantly than anything else I end up saving more money (which we can all understand I think) than do the, what we certified card carrrying critics call, drones.
And that's the point that we snooty, artsy folk get hung up on: some guy recognizes a large portion of us (us as a society) will still buy the formula if it's dressed up with enough marketing. Instead of re-filming a portion of a movie to fix a glaring plot or performance error, they can spend 5 million on a good marketing campaign and save 10 million in movie production. It's like in Elf, when the dad doesn't "okay" the reprint because it's missing the last few pages, "What, you think some kid's gonna notice two pages?". We deserve better. It's about moving past the idea that they can have our money just for producing something. Not to say we critics are perfect, sometimes it just feels like we're being taken advantage of and it's not the case.
I will admit that I have been wrong in misjudging various things. So, how can the "light" or purely "entertaining" items ever pass my critical-eye-beam-of-death? Marketers are often to blame for these eye-beam related deaths as the critics themselves imo (imo = in my opinion). There is no code of ethics within the successful marketing companies. They're job is to tell you what you want to hear and sell it. If you've never been mislead by an advertising maybe you have no idea what I'm talking about, but most of us have. Maybe my outrage over these things is meaningless, maybe the dollars I hold back from buying into the crap they're trying to sell me won't change the system... but it does change the system for me. And more importantly than anything else I end up saving more money (which we can all understand I think) than do the, what we certified card carrrying critics call, drones.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
A little mush goes a long way...
I mean, this is where I get to be mushy and feel okay about it, so I won't apologize for anything oozing over the sides, I'm not even going to clean it up! Hah!
Being impervious to good advise is an unfortunate trait I have sometimes (as some of you know too well). But some things have come to my attention, which have focused my mind in such a way as to align my mind with previous advice given. The causation of this focusing isn't quite so important at the moment as the effect of said focus. Simply said: I want to feel good again. I want to shrug off the shackles that have been slowly tightening around my body and spirit.
The problem have simply been logical ones really. I can see there is no winning side to living a life of pure logic. A good life is to find the balance in order to progress down both roads spiritual and logical. I know there are logical reasons for everything, and I would be the first to admit them. But there must be more to life than these simple observations on our humanity. Logically, the idea that God wants me to do something that's difficult or obvious makes the same amount of sense as if he wasn't there as if the task in front of me just purely out of happenstance. If I did it, I would be bettered in the end for having completed the task. So, if I am going to be bettered by believing or not, why can't I do it because I believe someone greater than I loves me. What sort of world could I create where love could simply be biological, or socially constructed? Because that's the sort of question I have landed on several times in my wandering mind. The real missing key to my perspective was love. I have been depriving myself of it in order to "figure stuff out" without even realizing it. I moved away from home (losing the close love of my family). I don't date. I am have become merely a shell of logistics and witticisms.
I had spoken about some mysterious goals before, and how I had been working on them and whatnot. I had never really verbalized them on paper or even on my mind, but they were there, they were leading my thoughts down the road to the conclusions at which I am now finalizing on. I've been missing out on some good life because of those things, and I am grateful for having the freedom in order to experiment (Oh noes, I'll have to admit I experimented in college! rofl). But I think I'm ready for the rest of my life now. I think I deserve some ice cream.
Ice cream contains love right?
-A
Being impervious to good advise is an unfortunate trait I have sometimes (as some of you know too well). But some things have come to my attention, which have focused my mind in such a way as to align my mind with previous advice given. The causation of this focusing isn't quite so important at the moment as the effect of said focus. Simply said: I want to feel good again. I want to shrug off the shackles that have been slowly tightening around my body and spirit.
The problem have simply been logical ones really. I can see there is no winning side to living a life of pure logic. A good life is to find the balance in order to progress down both roads spiritual and logical. I know there are logical reasons for everything, and I would be the first to admit them. But there must be more to life than these simple observations on our humanity. Logically, the idea that God wants me to do something that's difficult or obvious makes the same amount of sense as if he wasn't there as if the task in front of me just purely out of happenstance. If I did it, I would be bettered in the end for having completed the task. So, if I am going to be bettered by believing or not, why can't I do it because I believe someone greater than I loves me. What sort of world could I create where love could simply be biological, or socially constructed? Because that's the sort of question I have landed on several times in my wandering mind. The real missing key to my perspective was love. I have been depriving myself of it in order to "figure stuff out" without even realizing it. I moved away from home (losing the close love of my family). I don't date. I am have become merely a shell of logistics and witticisms.
I had spoken about some mysterious goals before, and how I had been working on them and whatnot. I had never really verbalized them on paper or even on my mind, but they were there, they were leading my thoughts down the road to the conclusions at which I am now finalizing on. I've been missing out on some good life because of those things, and I am grateful for having the freedom in order to experiment (Oh noes, I'll have to admit I experimented in college! rofl). But I think I'm ready for the rest of my life now. I think I deserve some ice cream.
Ice cream contains love right?
-A
Monday, June 9, 2008
Too Mushy
Recently my posts have been pretty mushy... too mushy in fact. You, dear reader, are going to get the wrong idea about me. I am not a mushy kind of guy... but trying to be as honest as possibly about things I feel and what not, the mush is going to ooze. So, less mushing, more... non mush.
Now, I made my movie list (incomplete I know, I know I've forgotten some key movies) but lets try music. I will be honest and say I don't have a wide reputua of music. I like a lot of singles here and there, but I am a music snob in some regards to classics. Instead of just listing the music I like, I think I'll give a short music history.
First songs I can remember listening to, seeing.
Sunday Bloody Sunday, U2 - First song I can remember listening to, I was 6 or 7.
Losing My Religion, R.E.M. - First music video I remember seeing.
Smells Like Teen Spirit, Nirvana
Today, Smashing Pumpkins
At this time, my parents ONLY listened to the Oldy Station, and honestly enough, I liked the oldies. What I didn't understand is the oldies I liked the most were the ones which were influences on today's rock. Unfortunately I didn't get to taste the classic rock station (Zeplinn, Floyd, etc) till much later.
So, about this time, I think it was during the Mario Cart craze (our cousin's had it, and we played it NON stop). I bought my first tape: Two Princes, Spin Doctors. I listened to that song over, and over, and over as anyone does the first of anything. At about this time CD's came out and my brother, Brandon, had The Best of the Doors album. It was possibly the first CD I just listened all the way through without skipping a song, and even if the song I didn't like to much, I still just listened... I think I was caught many a times singing in my room, jumping up and down to Break on Through. I was 12, give me a break lol.
I wish I would have had a lot of money at this time to buy cd's. I imagine I would be a much more rounded 90's music listener if I had had the money to get the CD's my friends got (I was spending my money on nintendo games I believe, though, not as many as you would believe). I hooked up with some friends and they introduced me and got a lot of new music and what not.
Meh, it get's kinda boring from here till now. I'm a music snob in some regards. If you don't know or can't appreciate Zeplinn, The Who, Pink Floyd, Nirvana, Smashing Pumpkins I feel sorry for you, a lot like the people today who think I'm lost because I haven't really listened to the indy rock band of their choice I suppose. But, in the end, it's just music, and like any art when we experience it for the first time we cherish it and hold it close.
So, here is a list of music I like listening to today. (links are to a internet radio station I listen to):
Elliot Smith
Gorillaz
Moby
Muse
Radiohead
Peter Bjorn and John
The Shins
Tool (hard rock)
Now you can't ever complain (like me) that you have no source of new music.
BTW, that radio station is really cool, when you hear a song you like you can tell it so, and it will begin to play the music you like based on other people who also liked it.
Now, I made my movie list (incomplete I know, I know I've forgotten some key movies) but lets try music. I will be honest and say I don't have a wide reputua of music. I like a lot of singles here and there, but I am a music snob in some regards to classics. Instead of just listing the music I like, I think I'll give a short music history.
First songs I can remember listening to, seeing.
Sunday Bloody Sunday, U2 - First song I can remember listening to, I was 6 or 7.
Losing My Religion, R.E.M. - First music video I remember seeing.
Smells Like Teen Spirit, Nirvana
Today, Smashing Pumpkins
At this time, my parents ONLY listened to the Oldy Station, and honestly enough, I liked the oldies. What I didn't understand is the oldies I liked the most were the ones which were influences on today's rock. Unfortunately I didn't get to taste the classic rock station (Zeplinn, Floyd, etc) till much later.
So, about this time, I think it was during the Mario Cart craze (our cousin's had it, and we played it NON stop). I bought my first tape: Two Princes, Spin Doctors. I listened to that song over, and over, and over as anyone does the first of anything. At about this time CD's came out and my brother, Brandon, had The Best of the Doors album. It was possibly the first CD I just listened all the way through without skipping a song, and even if the song I didn't like to much, I still just listened... I think I was caught many a times singing in my room, jumping up and down to Break on Through. I was 12, give me a break lol.
I wish I would have had a lot of money at this time to buy cd's. I imagine I would be a much more rounded 90's music listener if I had had the money to get the CD's my friends got (I was spending my money on nintendo games I believe, though, not as many as you would believe). I hooked up with some friends and they introduced me and got a lot of new music and what not.
Meh, it get's kinda boring from here till now. I'm a music snob in some regards. If you don't know or can't appreciate Zeplinn, The Who, Pink Floyd, Nirvana, Smashing Pumpkins I feel sorry for you, a lot like the people today who think I'm lost because I haven't really listened to the indy rock band of their choice I suppose. But, in the end, it's just music, and like any art when we experience it for the first time we cherish it and hold it close.
So, here is a list of music I like listening to today. (links are to a internet radio station I listen to):
Elliot Smith
Gorillaz
Moby
Muse
Radiohead
Peter Bjorn and John
The Shins
Tool (hard rock)
Now you can't ever complain (like me) that you have no source of new music.
BTW, that radio station is really cool, when you hear a song you like you can tell it so, and it will begin to play the music you like based on other people who also liked it.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Friday, June 6, 2008
Brains...brains...
Being fully awake at 4:00 in the morning is an interesting experience. I discovered some secret unauthorized communications going on in the comment section. Those who participated will be dealt with in time. Having sated my hunger from some brains (courtesy of my new zombie overlor...friends), I am ready to post.
You see, sometimes I just run out of juice. My last conversation with Andrea kinda just took it out of me. I regretted some of the things I posted (but once they're there they are there) and wanted to clarify and whatever but, I ran out of juice. I just get tired of trying to explain things sometimes I guess (normal, I would hope) and couldn't think of anything else to say. I mean, I believe something, and someone else believes something else. Super. Good. Done. Good Luck! I mean, sometimes I just don't care if others can see my points (very rarely as I'm very self concerned). I have been writing and posting a LOT, and everything I was posting about and writing about just completely lost interest for me. I however did miss the comments going back and forth with Meagan and Andrea (mostly Meagan, she reminds me of my true calling as a ninja pirate... or is it ninja fighting pirate? Oh ho dear reader, my future is not yet certain it seems!) . So, I made that last post about other posting because I could feel my tank running low. Alas, who isn't low? I'm always low it seems, but I'm a well oiled SOB and I don't need much to get going, just a few drops and I'm back to chugging along where ever it is that I'm going. I think I could keep this old car metaphor going for a while, but who cares heh. Like an old car... oh wait, sorry. Um, I'm just tired of constantly running into unmovable people and arguments. I mean, finding a sympathetic shoulder sometimes is pretty rough. Not to cry a river or anything, just honestly I don't find many rest-sto... many understanding hearts as to where I am. I know many people with hearts who yearn to understand, and help, but if you can't understand the problem with the engi... soul, you might end up messing something else up. All this isn't meant to be specific to anyone (since I've received it from several sources of friends, family, and even some people I don't even know very well) it's just obvservation. I've been doing a lot of observations for quite some time now, and I think some conclutions are forming. Though, when we are at our weakest we find what still has strength, and it's usually enough to pull us up.
Interesting enough, I just watched Lord Of The Rings yesterday. Our Lotr itches are in sync it seems.
You see, sometimes I just run out of juice. My last conversation with Andrea kinda just took it out of me. I regretted some of the things I posted (but once they're there they are there) and wanted to clarify and whatever but, I ran out of juice. I just get tired of trying to explain things sometimes I guess (normal, I would hope) and couldn't think of anything else to say. I mean, I believe something, and someone else believes something else. Super. Good. Done. Good Luck! I mean, sometimes I just don't care if others can see my points (very rarely as I'm very self concerned). I have been writing and posting a LOT, and everything I was posting about and writing about just completely lost interest for me. I however did miss the comments going back and forth with Meagan and Andrea (mostly Meagan, she reminds me of my true calling as a ninja pirate... or is it ninja fighting pirate? Oh ho dear reader, my future is not yet certain it seems!) . So, I made that last post about other posting because I could feel my tank running low. Alas, who isn't low? I'm always low it seems, but I'm a well oiled SOB and I don't need much to get going, just a few drops and I'm back to chugging along where ever it is that I'm going. I think I could keep this old car metaphor going for a while, but who cares heh. Like an old car... oh wait, sorry. Um, I'm just tired of constantly running into unmovable people and arguments. I mean, finding a sympathetic shoulder sometimes is pretty rough. Not to cry a river or anything, just honestly I don't find many rest-sto... many understanding hearts as to where I am. I know many people with hearts who yearn to understand, and help, but if you can't understand the problem with the engi... soul, you might end up messing something else up. All this isn't meant to be specific to anyone (since I've received it from several sources of friends, family, and even some people I don't even know very well) it's just obvservation. I've been doing a lot of observations for quite some time now, and I think some conclutions are forming. Though, when we are at our weakest we find what still has strength, and it's usually enough to pull us up.
Interesting enough, I just watched Lord Of The Rings yesterday. Our Lotr itches are in sync it seems.
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