We were becoming fast friends. Everything felt really natural and really good. I was amazed to all of a sudden have someone in my life that helped me focus my life so clearly and quickly. I didn't talk to anyone about her because, honestly, I didn't really think it was going to work out, and then I'd have a mess on my blog... guess that happened anyway. But, I did talk to a friend of mine and he asked if I was seeing anyone... and I told him about this possibility, Jess, and he sort of talked me up into letting her know I was interested in her more than a friend. I talked to her a few times and got some signals mixed up I guess. She had told me some things earlier on that I just sort of blocked out or misinterpreted and I went for it anyway. So, I told her I liked her a lot, and wanted to get to know her better... which led to her asking:
"So I would really like it if we could be really honest and because of where I am right now I have to ask so don't get weird on me k, when you say you like me alot what does that mean?"
Which I explained my position as honestly and noninvasive as possible (I didn't declare my undying love for her if that's what you expect from a hopeless romantic like me). And she took a moment to respond... it was a very scary moment, and when the term "Just friends" came up my heart sank to be honest. Everything I had been telling myself and others had been telling me about my chances here were completely wrong... my hopes were wrong, and coming from a position of pure hope right now, it took the rug out from under me a little bit.
We talked some afterwords and she tried to console me, which never works ladies, I'm sorry, I know you want to do it, and it feels right (and it very well might be), but the fact that it doesn't work will never change. That doesn't mean you shouldn't do it however, it's just a bitter medicine to swallow. Guys only take it when they honestly want a friendship after, which is almost none... but then, I never was very normal. Flashbacks to my friendship with Jen came rushing at me. History repeating it felt like right now, and I was playing along because the only alternative at the moment was getting very angry at her and essentially hurting her unfairly, as I felt hurt unfairly.
I eventually ended the conversation and couldn't sleep. I was slowly working myself up... there was more I left unsaid that I felt I needed to say, however unfair it was to her. I felt like I needed a better clear answer as to 'why'. So, I started to write in the one place I can... that's right dear reader, right here.
A lot of ugly stuff came out, and when the morning came she woke up and read what I had written, then messaged me a rebuttal. We had left things the night before decent, but what I wrote was out of left field.. hurtful, and painful. How could everything I wrote not be pointed at her? It honestly wasn't, it was more like I described earlier, an avalanche. I felt rejected, and it didn't feel good. Well, her message was written through tears she informed me... she was really hurt, and I wasn't the only one that was hurt after last night. I had betrayed her trust in a few ways, and after reading it all... she was completely right, and I felt like shit on a stick. And that's putting it lightly. I took down my post and put up an apology post, which most of you saw I think. (don't ask me to re-post the post I took down so you could understand why she was so angry with me please... I can't even remember what terribleness that was). I wrote some more personal messages of apology to her (about a page worth), but she wasn't responding...
So, about 5 dollars worth of text messages later I finally got her to agree to meet me and not cut me into small pieces when I saw her. She was surprisingly calm, wary, but calm. I apologized the best I could and explained I didn't know how it all sort of got blown out of proportion. We talked a little about mixed signals and friendships. She's such an amazing person the entire situation was easy after I lowered my head for the chopping block. We talked for about 2 hours (I think I talked almost the entire time). Turns out she's not good with words, so it's a good thing I am. An interesting question she posed however was if we were too honest with each other. And we ended talking about that and if we could ever be "normal" friends. And we ended the talk on those points... not really having answers, but both feeling better I think.
So, that's about it. We're friends, and it almost feels like nothing happened really. And nothing did happen, I all of a sudden feel like I'm in 6th grade and how the smallest things seem huge, but in all reality they're just normal interactions everyone has.
Our friendship starts here I suppose, I've just got to be wary, I don't know if I'll ever really be able to drown that impulsive romantic that's seen too many movies and holds onto hope. He's never really helped me out, just gotten me into a lot of trouble and pain. Sounds like Meagan has had some success, maybe Jess would spring the bill for me, since it would be our friendship she would be saving haha.
-A
