It's been one of those weeks. Where things are kinda happening but nothing really seems noteworthy or interesting.
I went to the California Pizza Kitchen yesterday for dinner with a friend. We talked about relationships and the problems that come along with guys who are 'in love' with girls while barely dating (or not even dating lol). The key problems being that they are not in their right minds, and things they say and things they do are not honestly from them. They come from a desire to be seen in a favorable light from the object of their affection. I think this happens a LOT to people, more often than we like to admit. I think we as a society enjoy the idea of 'love' so much we turn a blind eye to unhealthy infatuation. Love is one of those miss-categorized and marketed words that it's not surprising that we throw it around to mean whatever it is we're feeling. We have such a drought of words to describe the many stages of 'like' and 'care about' that it's very difficult to not to jump to 'love' when the previous words fail. Infatuation in my mind is unhealthy if you don't realize you are in fact, infatuated. It's worth the time to think about I think.
Some people are infatuated with being 'in love'. I admit that I have been, though when I figured out what love was, I grew out of that. I still yearn for that spark many mislabel love, I am not misplacing my priorities because of it however. And I don't secretly 'love' the girls I feel that with. I learned what love was on my mission, where hopefully other guys like me (romantics they call us) can and will learn it. It is a terrible existence thinking you're in love with someone without it being reciprocated, it is much more tolerable when you recognize it's not love, and can properly use the right vocabulary to describe it. Misusing 'love' can be very damaging (personal experience hehe) for a time. It's important to understand that 'love' is not on the end of the scale of 'like'. They are completely different scales, you don't progress down the Like Scale to eventually hit Love at the top in big red letters. Love is a choice we make whether we are at the end of the Like Scale or not. Anyway, that's my opinion.
And I think in the end it just takes time to grow up. To mature past the point where you feel like one person can solve all your problems (and their problems) if they would just give in and be with you. For some reason I'm fascinated with the developments of relationships, and young people are the most unstable and interesting lol.
Seeing as it's just married people reading this, I'm sure this was probably pretty boring, obvious and even wrong here or there. I've had these thoughts for a while, but, it's a new post, so no whining!
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
Amtgarding
Well I'm back. Ryan and I flew down to El Paso for Clan this past weekend. I stayed up till 3 accidentally (hanging out with friends, then had some emergency work to do) and had to wake up at 5:30 to get to the airport. My flight got canceled, I got randomly selected for further screening, and once I got to El Paso my luggage didn't arrive. I left my baggage claim tickets on the previous flight too. Luckily they came on the next flight which arrived at the same time Ryan's flight came in. We drove 3 hours to get to the hotel and went up to the site for some night fighting. It was a long day.
The next day was hot. I put sunscreen on but I missed a few spots and forgot to reapply in some others, so I'm still burned, not too bad though. The fighting was okay, not a ton of people (considering there were around 500 people through the gate) fighting. We had 40 or so on the field at any one time (20 on 20 or so). Which is pretty low considering. Why people weren't fighting I can't say. I took breaks here and there to save some energy because I haven't fought a good solid routine for a few years now. We all still had a good time.
The next day it started to rain. And it really rained. We stood under a pavilion for an hour or so waiting for it to let up... it didn't. So we went out to fight anyway around 10. The rain would ease up slightly, then it would pound down again for an hour or so and it did this consistently till about 3:30 and we got a few hour break from the heavy rain. It eventually rained heavy again and it was difficult to move and hold your sword. It was pretty fun though, our fighting company was all out on the field representing and tearing everyone up, we were definitely the only organized presence on the field for the days we were there.
We all could barely walk that night, we had put our bodies through hell and hell is what we were experiencing.
But, I'm back now, burnt, sore, and happy to be home. We do have some photo's, but I don't have them yet, so I'll put them up asap.
-Twyst
The next day was hot. I put sunscreen on but I missed a few spots and forgot to reapply in some others, so I'm still burned, not too bad though. The fighting was okay, not a ton of people (considering there were around 500 people through the gate) fighting. We had 40 or so on the field at any one time (20 on 20 or so). Which is pretty low considering. Why people weren't fighting I can't say. I took breaks here and there to save some energy because I haven't fought a good solid routine for a few years now. We all still had a good time.
The next day it started to rain. And it really rained. We stood under a pavilion for an hour or so waiting for it to let up... it didn't. So we went out to fight anyway around 10. The rain would ease up slightly, then it would pound down again for an hour or so and it did this consistently till about 3:30 and we got a few hour break from the heavy rain. It eventually rained heavy again and it was difficult to move and hold your sword. It was pretty fun though, our fighting company was all out on the field representing and tearing everyone up, we were definitely the only organized presence on the field for the days we were there.
We all could barely walk that night, we had put our bodies through hell and hell is what we were experiencing.
But, I'm back now, burnt, sore, and happy to be home. We do have some photo's, but I don't have them yet, so I'll put them up asap.
-Twyst
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
A Broken Heart and Contrite Spirit
I sat down and started to write. I could not have written this in the blog I realized, it was too real for me at the time. I found the source of my pride and I have faced it. I believed I could by sheer force of will overcome or understand everything I wanted. For a long time it worked because I had the Lord on my side. But I was still lacking because I gave more credit to my own intelligence than the strength and revelation to the Lord a lot of the time. I convinced myself on my mission that because my mind wanted what the Lord wanted, I was free to figure out anything and everything. And it actually worked. I had mysteries opened up to me and I had a clarity of mind that changed everything about me. Eventually I began to give my mind more credit of course, that it was me that caused my great understandings of life and religion. Things got progressively more difficult in my mission because of this, the light began to leave me as I began to rely on my understandings and not on further enlightenment.
Fast forward a few years. I have abandoned any and all revelation in my life, I have puffed my heart up so much at my own strength and intelligence I was convinced I had figured everything out on my own, by my own brain power. I built up a false balance beam of my own independent mind vs. strength from the Lord. There is no balance beam, there is not a conflict between what you understand versus what the Lord is causing you to understand, they are complimentary, they are not in conflict.
Understanding this was a very, very big deal to me Monday. It seems so simple and minor in retrospect of the lesson. However I was entrenched, and it required my own choice of humility to see this. My humility was literally caused by a broken heart. My broken heart happened independent of everything else you have read, but I realized I would not be able to mend it. It was deep, and I saw no way out. Ironically enough I could finally see my predicament in life. Where I was, and how I had arrived there. The years of struggle, the problems, the over thinking, I saw it all. And I realized I had never done anything on my own, I had always had help. And if I was to mend my broken spirit, and my broken heart, I was going to need help.
My life has been on the upturn for a few weeks now, and it was initially caused by hope. Hope given to me by one of my best friends I have ever had. This hope has uplifted me to this point, to this 'bridge' of my life. I don't know if I have completely crossed, or when I will, but I know I will. I know I will.
-Aaron
Fast forward a few years. I have abandoned any and all revelation in my life, I have puffed my heart up so much at my own strength and intelligence I was convinced I had figured everything out on my own, by my own brain power. I built up a false balance beam of my own independent mind vs. strength from the Lord. There is no balance beam, there is not a conflict between what you understand versus what the Lord is causing you to understand, they are complimentary, they are not in conflict.
Understanding this was a very, very big deal to me Monday. It seems so simple and minor in retrospect of the lesson. However I was entrenched, and it required my own choice of humility to see this. My humility was literally caused by a broken heart. My broken heart happened independent of everything else you have read, but I realized I would not be able to mend it. It was deep, and I saw no way out. Ironically enough I could finally see my predicament in life. Where I was, and how I had arrived there. The years of struggle, the problems, the over thinking, I saw it all. And I realized I had never done anything on my own, I had always had help. And if I was to mend my broken spirit, and my broken heart, I was going to need help.
My life has been on the upturn for a few weeks now, and it was initially caused by hope. Hope given to me by one of my best friends I have ever had. This hope has uplifted me to this point, to this 'bridge' of my life. I don't know if I have completely crossed, or when I will, but I know I will. I know I will.
-Aaron
Monday, July 21, 2008
Good day, Somber day
I had a great birthday, I ate brunch with my friends at Gandalfo's, got in to see The Dark Knight and ate some delicious ribs at Goodwood. Afterwords we went and played some games and hung out for a while. It was a pretty fun filled day hanging out with good friends.
The Dark Knight is a very ambitious film. It interweaves so many concepts and ideas together sometimes it feels like you're watching something more than a movie, it is a glimpse into a real world that you didn't realize existed, and it feels as real and chaotic as our own world. If I were complain about anything it would only be the fact that I need to see it again, and maybe a third time to take it all in. Most of you know me to be of a critical nature, often times harsh, but for this... I feel awed by this movie. I don't feel as if I can quite summarize my experience with only one viewing, and in only one blog. It is that good.
Yesterday I was very somber. I woke up thinking about who I was and where I was. I caught a glimpse in church as to who I used to be, I saw the missionary me staring back, looking disappointed. I saw the nearly 4 years of my life wasted in struggle and turmoil. And I tried to justify, I tried to break free, but I couldn't escape the fact that I was now who I am, and I could never change that. Granted, I am not so bad, but the years lost of potential growth towards something harmonious with the gospel saddened my heart to a great degree. I felt a deep sadness as I thought of those who knew only this of me. This critical, sarcastic, cold-hearted wayward soul. I glimpsed all this and could not escape it. I went home and began to write of who I was, and hopefully discover how it was that I chose the decisions I had. Interesting enough I found it. The answer was buried where I felt it would be - my mission. Some of you know I was writing about my mission in chapters on this blog, and I knew I was coming to something big in it eventually, and I stumbled onto it yesterday. I will be posting that tomorrow. But rest assured, dear reader, I am better than ever.
So, go see the Dark Knight asap.
-A
The Dark Knight is a very ambitious film. It interweaves so many concepts and ideas together sometimes it feels like you're watching something more than a movie, it is a glimpse into a real world that you didn't realize existed, and it feels as real and chaotic as our own world. If I were complain about anything it would only be the fact that I need to see it again, and maybe a third time to take it all in. Most of you know me to be of a critical nature, often times harsh, but for this... I feel awed by this movie. I don't feel as if I can quite summarize my experience with only one viewing, and in only one blog. It is that good.
Yesterday I was very somber. I woke up thinking about who I was and where I was. I caught a glimpse in church as to who I used to be, I saw the missionary me staring back, looking disappointed. I saw the nearly 4 years of my life wasted in struggle and turmoil. And I tried to justify, I tried to break free, but I couldn't escape the fact that I was now who I am, and I could never change that. Granted, I am not so bad, but the years lost of potential growth towards something harmonious with the gospel saddened my heart to a great degree. I felt a deep sadness as I thought of those who knew only this of me. This critical, sarcastic, cold-hearted wayward soul. I glimpsed all this and could not escape it. I went home and began to write of who I was, and hopefully discover how it was that I chose the decisions I had. Interesting enough I found it. The answer was buried where I felt it would be - my mission. Some of you know I was writing about my mission in chapters on this blog, and I knew I was coming to something big in it eventually, and I stumbled onto it yesterday. I will be posting that tomorrow. But rest assured, dear reader, I am better than ever.
So, go see the Dark Knight asap.
-A
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Quarter Century
I am now a quarter century old.
It has been a quick quarter century, filled with fun, hard work, and interesting experiences all around.
One of my most memorable birthdays was in the first year of my mission. We had some child baptisms to do the following Sunday and we needed to fill the baptismal font. It was a haphazardly built concrete box, about 4 feet deep. The pump had died to extract the water from the cistern out front. So, my companion (neither of us got along very well together, my first native companion) went inside and did paper work for something while I began filling the font, by hand. It took about 6 or 7 hours to get about 2 feet deep. Generally missionaries throw some sort of birthday lunch for the others and pore red cool aid and flour on them, however being 45 minutes away from any other missionary, on the border of Haiti, with my companion, the day passed away normally. It was my least celebrated birthday I think. I think I made up for it by justifying a lot of other fun activities I did in the mission because of that one day lol. I bought a few things frivolously, enjoyed a relaxing moment here or there. I realized, in my mission, I had not had much fun up until that moment, I didn't quite understand the balance of work and play (generally because my companions and I were always on different pages) but after that birthday I allowed myself to enjoy myself much more. My next area in the mission I had a great house with 3 other missionaries and helped them strike their own balances of work and play... they were heavy on the play side lol.
- A 25
It has been a quick quarter century, filled with fun, hard work, and interesting experiences all around.
One of my most memorable birthdays was in the first year of my mission. We had some child baptisms to do the following Sunday and we needed to fill the baptismal font. It was a haphazardly built concrete box, about 4 feet deep. The pump had died to extract the water from the cistern out front. So, my companion (neither of us got along very well together, my first native companion) went inside and did paper work for something while I began filling the font, by hand. It took about 6 or 7 hours to get about 2 feet deep. Generally missionaries throw some sort of birthday lunch for the others and pore red cool aid and flour on them, however being 45 minutes away from any other missionary, on the border of Haiti, with my companion, the day passed away normally. It was my least celebrated birthday I think. I think I made up for it by justifying a lot of other fun activities I did in the mission because of that one day lol. I bought a few things frivolously, enjoyed a relaxing moment here or there. I realized, in my mission, I had not had much fun up until that moment, I didn't quite understand the balance of work and play (generally because my companions and I were always on different pages) but after that birthday I allowed myself to enjoy myself much more. My next area in the mission I had a great house with 3 other missionaries and helped them strike their own balances of work and play... they were heavy on the play side lol.
- A 25
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Witty Title
Okay, so I've been a little neglectful of my blog. I've sat down twice to write something and I just couldn't form an entire post. I wrote something on the side, just for me, and I just haven't had much to say really. I'm doing well, running (I did almost 3.5 miles yesterday), I'm eating much better with some assistance from someone who says they can't cook, which oddly enough makes a lot of sense finding someone who eats healthy but can't cook for me. All I'd get from people who wanted me to eat healthy is cooking recipes, which I appreciate, but doesn't help me eat healthier.
I'm feeling pretty confident in myself now. A good friend has helped me a great deal in changing my perspective and a lot of things are falling into place in my mind. I don't think I'm going to have difficulty in being myself so much anymore, as I've somewhat changed perspectives, I've changed my behavior in situations I couldn't quite handle (well) before.
I've almost completely cut out my WoW playing. I play only a few hours a day twice a week or so. The only desire I have to play is to not let my team down. And maybe I've never quite explained it, but 30 or 40 people have put in hours, and HOURS of gameplay (not even fun gameplay, monotonously boring gameplay) to help me get to where I am at in the game in order to further the progress of our group. They have sacrificed for me, and I have sacrificed for them. It is a matter of etiquette that I stay on, and not just think of myself and my boring time I have playing. Yes, it is just a game, but it is more because we are a team. And I plan on playing out the 'season' sort a speak, for my team.
Now, a lot of you are doing this memory lane thing where we're posting our memories to each other, and while I find it cheesy and possibly dangerous, I'll play along and if you want to post memories of me that's fine. I was a very embarrassing boy/kid/teen, probably up until I was on my mission I was a ball of embarrassment, so, be gentle...
Yes! I cried when Little Foot's mom died! THERE IT IS! DO WHAT YOU WILL TO ME!
I'm feeling pretty confident in myself now. A good friend has helped me a great deal in changing my perspective and a lot of things are falling into place in my mind. I don't think I'm going to have difficulty in being myself so much anymore, as I've somewhat changed perspectives, I've changed my behavior in situations I couldn't quite handle (well) before.
I've almost completely cut out my WoW playing. I play only a few hours a day twice a week or so. The only desire I have to play is to not let my team down. And maybe I've never quite explained it, but 30 or 40 people have put in hours, and HOURS of gameplay (not even fun gameplay, monotonously boring gameplay) to help me get to where I am at in the game in order to further the progress of our group. They have sacrificed for me, and I have sacrificed for them. It is a matter of etiquette that I stay on, and not just think of myself and my boring time I have playing. Yes, it is just a game, but it is more because we are a team. And I plan on playing out the 'season' sort a speak, for my team.
Now, a lot of you are doing this memory lane thing where we're posting our memories to each other, and while I find it cheesy and possibly dangerous, I'll play along and if you want to post memories of me that's fine. I was a very embarrassing boy/kid/teen, probably up until I was on my mission I was a ball of embarrassment, so, be gentle...
Yes! I cried when Little Foot's mom died! THERE IT IS! DO WHAT YOU WILL TO ME!
Saturday, July 12, 2008
On Blogging... #2
In my attempts of maintaining a level of separation, personal information, and true expression through my blog I have learned some things. My sister Andrea has also learned a few things herself, which we spoke on the phone at length about. It is common to be misunderstood, misquoted, and misinterpreted frequently. However none of us are actually writers or have many writer skills. So, bad communication is bound to happen. Instead of using skill, I try to be meticulous in my entries to ensure this doesn't happen. It still does, frequently.
Things changed on this blog once it started coming back to me from other areas in my life other than my family and a couple close friends. Sometimes I felt like writing to the whole world, and sometimes I felt like just writing to a couple people, unfortunately you do not get to pick and choose, unless you want to just email people, which I don't.
I have blown things out of proportion, marginalized important issues, and hurt people on this blog of mine. It is a living, breathing thing and sometimes I wonder if it's worth it all. Although some of my posts have had those negative effects, they were all temporary (so far as I know) and I have resolved those of which I have become aware of. So, why not just quit while I'm ahead right? Well, that's probably not bad advise.
I feel a dry spell advancing in which my posts will be further apart than normal. This blog of mine has facilitated a lot of growth opportunities for me and it's less from my words, and more from the words of my commenters. And for that reason I won't stop posting.
I have been unfair to Andrea in her comments to me. They have been consistently good and right. I like to brag I can talk about difficult things other people have difficulties talking about, but it's all relative. I have found it difficult to accept I am not where I want to be in my life where I need to be. Even now, as I am doing extremely well, it is still hard to accept I am still a long ways off from where I need to be. And my sister Andrea, has prayed for me to receive what it was that I needed (specifically), to aid me in my life. I can't help but feel humbled by the experience that her prayer has truly been answered, and I cannot deny that.
So, in conclusion, when in doubt, don't post or comment. Or if you need to comment, ask clarifying questions. Less drama and more fun.
-A
Quote of the day: If 'pro' is the opposite of 'con' does that mean congress is the opposite of progress? Does that make sense or did I just blow your mind?
- John Stewart
Things changed on this blog once it started coming back to me from other areas in my life other than my family and a couple close friends. Sometimes I felt like writing to the whole world, and sometimes I felt like just writing to a couple people, unfortunately you do not get to pick and choose, unless you want to just email people, which I don't.
I have blown things out of proportion, marginalized important issues, and hurt people on this blog of mine. It is a living, breathing thing and sometimes I wonder if it's worth it all. Although some of my posts have had those negative effects, they were all temporary (so far as I know) and I have resolved those of which I have become aware of. So, why not just quit while I'm ahead right? Well, that's probably not bad advise.
I feel a dry spell advancing in which my posts will be further apart than normal. This blog of mine has facilitated a lot of growth opportunities for me and it's less from my words, and more from the words of my commenters. And for that reason I won't stop posting.
I have been unfair to Andrea in her comments to me. They have been consistently good and right. I like to brag I can talk about difficult things other people have difficulties talking about, but it's all relative. I have found it difficult to accept I am not where I want to be in my life where I need to be. Even now, as I am doing extremely well, it is still hard to accept I am still a long ways off from where I need to be. And my sister Andrea, has prayed for me to receive what it was that I needed (specifically), to aid me in my life. I can't help but feel humbled by the experience that her prayer has truly been answered, and I cannot deny that.
So, in conclusion, when in doubt, don't post or comment. Or if you need to comment, ask clarifying questions. Less drama and more fun.
-A
Quote of the day: If 'pro' is the opposite of 'con' does that mean congress is the opposite of progress? Does that make sense or did I just blow your mind?
- John Stewart
Friday, July 11, 2008
Something I had not expected
So, what's next Aaron? I don't know actually. Things are pretty stable for me right now. Life inevitably will bring something round for me to deal with I'm sure. I think this happens to me because I'm never perfectly honest with myself and I get myself into situations where it eventually comes out... and life will show me that I have no idea what I am doing lol. But I do know what I'm doing about a few things in my life now. And I'm actively choosing them for the right reasons I believe. I honestly don't believe now that I could have ever chosen to escape from where I was with the sole purpose of being a better person. I didn't trust a lot of my family, which I will probably always regret and feel ashamed of. However, that's what happened, and it is past. I had mentioned my rebirth as a "focus" and I don't really like that term. It feels foreign, but at the time I didn't have a better word for it. Purpose is a much better word. I had lost track of my most important purpose and replaced it with side projects and elitism. Being thought of as pompus, elitist, and even shallow is exactly what I was working against, but what I eventually turned into (maybe not my own head, but then again my head isn't the best at perspective sometimes). It is interesting to me to see the connections and correlations behind life style choices, and their inverse affect on our lives.
I cannot pick myself up off the ground and I cannot find happiness in my life without anyone else in it. Now, I'll give myself some credit and say I never actually believed that I could do any of those things completely, but I had myself convinced I could do enough. When one side of the scale has slightly more than the other, it's enough. I hope I never make the same mistake again.
So, ya, I'm feeling really good. But before believing this, I had to find out for myself was what that last bit of weight that tilted the scales. Was it just someone in my life that changed it? Was it that I found my faith once more? Was it just some exercise? They all made up for some percentages in there, but the answer is that the sum is greater than the individual parts. Something I had not expected.
I cannot pick myself up off the ground and I cannot find happiness in my life without anyone else in it. Now, I'll give myself some credit and say I never actually believed that I could do any of those things completely, but I had myself convinced I could do enough. When one side of the scale has slightly more than the other, it's enough. I hope I never make the same mistake again.
So, ya, I'm feeling really good. But before believing this, I had to find out for myself was what that last bit of weight that tilted the scales. Was it just someone in my life that changed it? Was it that I found my faith once more? Was it just some exercise? They all made up for some percentages in there, but the answer is that the sum is greater than the individual parts. Something I had not expected.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
A little bit of this and that
Wow, people had a lot to say on the subject of movies. I'm actually positive everyone has a LOT more to say. But I think everyone's covered their bases and rechecked the locks. Onward and upward!
So, I ran over a mile this morning. I should have timed myself but I really didn't anticipate running for longer than 2 minutes. The last time I ran I made it about 200 yards and almost past out in the shower, I might have pushed a little too hard. It was actually enjoyable to be able to keep running, I probably could have made it 2 miles. Now, I was going pretty slow, so it's possibly not quite so impressive as it sounds lol.
My friend Kris and I have an idea for a movie review site, it's still mostly up in our heads rolling around, but it sounds pretty cool. I'd get to draw on a regular basis for it and do web design, both of which I enjoy. And if it got popular enough I could actually make some money. And I like money.
Pirate update
Maybe ye scurvy land-lubbers don't much like my high sea adventurin'. However, I found a site that is supported by the networks and is 100% legal and in the clear. It is also very high quality with minimal commercial interupts. Hulu.com is it's name. It has movies and TV shows in very high quality without any streaming issues.
-A
So, I ran over a mile this morning. I should have timed myself but I really didn't anticipate running for longer than 2 minutes. The last time I ran I made it about 200 yards and almost past out in the shower, I might have pushed a little too hard. It was actually enjoyable to be able to keep running, I probably could have made it 2 miles. Now, I was going pretty slow, so it's possibly not quite so impressive as it sounds lol.
My friend Kris and I have an idea for a movie review site, it's still mostly up in our heads rolling around, but it sounds pretty cool. I'd get to draw on a regular basis for it and do web design, both of which I enjoy. And if it got popular enough I could actually make some money. And I like money.
Pirate update
Maybe ye scurvy land-lubbers don't much like my high sea adventurin'. However, I found a site that is supported by the networks and is 100% legal and in the clear. It is also very high quality with minimal commercial interupts. Hulu.com is it's name. It has movies and TV shows in very high quality without any streaming issues.
-A
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
There I go again, oozing
Sorry about that folks. See, I have a tendency to over-share here. Which, I don't feel bad about, but you don't get the full picture often. I'm going to try to give everyone a better, rounded look at me. I mean, it's been like weeks since I last talked about gay marriage, or rated R movies. Some of you might be wondering what's happening to the Aaron you know and love (to argue with)!
Well, rest assured dear reader... I am still here!
In talking to one of my friends I came upon a small nugget of truth about myself. An understanding which I think is pretty important in regards to my movie watching. I view movies as art. This is why I am critical of them, this is why I find them important, and this is why I am not offended by the things I see. I believe everyone must draw their own conclusions about art, and what it is. I have allowed myself to accept a broad range, while others prefer a smaller range, after all, everything is art. They are symbols meant for interpretation to allow us to feel as the artist intends. I would not condone or accept porn as acceptable art, but it's important to understand that I can't say it's not art, it's just bad art in my opinion (while not even touching the detrimental effects it has on the minds of men). And I suppose that's what my debate is really about, defining bad.
I find it fascinating to sculpt out what is bad and good, some people do not, and prefer to lump everything under a sign that says "Bad". While I understand this perspective, I don't necessarily agree with it (obviously hehe). To me, it is one of the great quests in life to distinguish between good and evil, and I don't like to be hasty in this judgment. While this may make me appear to have loose morals in some fields, it's really just because I haven't come to a complete conclusion about it. There are other areas where I feel I have refined my judgment to which I can have the honest confidence I need to claim good, or evil. Some conclusions include (not meant as testimony entirely, just random things):
1. Unless the spirit testifies personally to the 100% veracity of what you think or believe, you don't know, you believe.
2. If you think you can trust this politician, this time and things will be different, you are silly.
3. The MPAA is not guided by the spirit to declare certain movies R, pg-13, etc. I however, have the gift of the Holy Ghost and can discern such things if I wish to.
I'm still trying to figure a lot out. And maybe everyone else is perfectly happy lumping things up, without looking at this or that. Maybe we'll end up at the same conclusions and maybe it will look like I waste my time thinking about these things. But I believe who I am is figuring these things out, and that gives me peace.
-A
Well, rest assured dear reader... I am still here!
In talking to one of my friends I came upon a small nugget of truth about myself. An understanding which I think is pretty important in regards to my movie watching. I view movies as art. This is why I am critical of them, this is why I find them important, and this is why I am not offended by the things I see. I believe everyone must draw their own conclusions about art, and what it is. I have allowed myself to accept a broad range, while others prefer a smaller range, after all, everything is art. They are symbols meant for interpretation to allow us to feel as the artist intends. I would not condone or accept porn as acceptable art, but it's important to understand that I can't say it's not art, it's just bad art in my opinion (while not even touching the detrimental effects it has on the minds of men). And I suppose that's what my debate is really about, defining bad.
I find it fascinating to sculpt out what is bad and good, some people do not, and prefer to lump everything under a sign that says "Bad". While I understand this perspective, I don't necessarily agree with it (obviously hehe). To me, it is one of the great quests in life to distinguish between good and evil, and I don't like to be hasty in this judgment. While this may make me appear to have loose morals in some fields, it's really just because I haven't come to a complete conclusion about it. There are other areas where I feel I have refined my judgment to which I can have the honest confidence I need to claim good, or evil. Some conclusions include (not meant as testimony entirely, just random things):
1. Unless the spirit testifies personally to the 100% veracity of what you think or believe, you don't know, you believe.
2. If you think you can trust this politician, this time and things will be different, you are silly.
3. The MPAA is not guided by the spirit to declare certain movies R, pg-13, etc. I however, have the gift of the Holy Ghost and can discern such things if I wish to.
I'm still trying to figure a lot out. And maybe everyone else is perfectly happy lumping things up, without looking at this or that. Maybe we'll end up at the same conclusions and maybe it will look like I waste my time thinking about these things. But I believe who I am is figuring these things out, and that gives me peace.
-A
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Cooling Down
Well, I wrote some nice things about men and women being friends, more specifically me being just friends with a particular person. At the time I wrote it I was feeling pretty good, I was happy with the idea that I could actually be more than content with just a friendship. Obviously, with the added complications of this relationship (I've maybe over-shared a few things), that didn't last very long.
My mind's gears began to turn and work their magic in messing up the contentment I had found. I began to worry, be sad, and I needed to focus on those solutions on which I had predicated my previous conclusion on: That the relationship did more good than harm. My mind reeled in denial, it wanted me to look deep and judge the situation has I always had: hopeless, painful, etc. Escaping these confidence mind traps is something I'm getting much better about however. A few months ago there would be no way for me to overcome and feel good about my situation, but now I am able to relax and judge my situation more fairly. Because even though I could see my situation clearly a few months ago, it was the conclusions that were always wrong. Data and statistics are just that, data and statics and nothing more. They prove nothing and show evidence of nothing. I was drawing some pretty hard conclusions based off my observations and thinking from a biased stand point. My mind so wanted me to feel terrible for some reason, it needed to follow the data and confirm my beliefs that I wasn't worth much, especially to women, and especially to this one.
My thinking lead me here: I had to first accept that I wasn't wanted in a romantic sense (like at all), then once I had completely accepted that I had to accept that it wouldn't ever happen in the future either. Or so I thought. The reality is I don't really need to make those decisions. I really just need to be friends. Instead of annihilating certain things I really just needed to embrace the friendship at it's current state, and relax and be happy I have that. Because it's not a small thing, this entire revolution of thought has occurred because of it. Admitting these things makes me feel pretty humble, I think a lot of people deal with these things and solved them years ago without the added pressure of having my over analytic brain messing everything up. Unfortunately I have to work through these things with more difficulty than others, which I am envious of. Like I said before, sometimes I am immune to good advise.
Sometimes when we're talking, and we begin to joke about this or that I get a whisper in the back of my mind that says "you think you're fooling yourself? This is just like last time... You think you're just friends? Are you treating her right now like you would 'just a friend'?" There are a lot of whispers that follow those and I have to focus on those thoughts and counter each one in order to not revert into my previous mind set of feeling like crap. Fortunately I have the confidence now to overcome those thoughts. I have a friend that I trust. And I trust very few people to this degree to help me in these situations.
Unfortunately these things will happen from time to time, and I need to take a break from speaking with my close friend in order to refocus. I call it my cool down. Sometimes I just need to cool down my over-sized thoughts from gumming up the friendship. If I don't I'll eventually say something stupid and try to work through these thoughts with her... which is not fair, and wouldn't work anyway.
I have read through this twice now and I am pleased at what I've written, some things might not be clear however, I have a bad habit of just skipping some key idea at the beginning of my ramblings. But, I think it's coherent enough, and more importantly it's here for when I need my cool down and need a guide.
-A
My mind's gears began to turn and work their magic in messing up the contentment I had found. I began to worry, be sad, and I needed to focus on those solutions on which I had predicated my previous conclusion on: That the relationship did more good than harm. My mind reeled in denial, it wanted me to look deep and judge the situation has I always had: hopeless, painful, etc. Escaping these confidence mind traps is something I'm getting much better about however. A few months ago there would be no way for me to overcome and feel good about my situation, but now I am able to relax and judge my situation more fairly. Because even though I could see my situation clearly a few months ago, it was the conclusions that were always wrong. Data and statistics are just that, data and statics and nothing more. They prove nothing and show evidence of nothing. I was drawing some pretty hard conclusions based off my observations and thinking from a biased stand point. My mind so wanted me to feel terrible for some reason, it needed to follow the data and confirm my beliefs that I wasn't worth much, especially to women, and especially to this one.
My thinking lead me here: I had to first accept that I wasn't wanted in a romantic sense (like at all), then once I had completely accepted that I had to accept that it wouldn't ever happen in the future either. Or so I thought. The reality is I don't really need to make those decisions. I really just need to be friends. Instead of annihilating certain things I really just needed to embrace the friendship at it's current state, and relax and be happy I have that. Because it's not a small thing, this entire revolution of thought has occurred because of it. Admitting these things makes me feel pretty humble, I think a lot of people deal with these things and solved them years ago without the added pressure of having my over analytic brain messing everything up. Unfortunately I have to work through these things with more difficulty than others, which I am envious of. Like I said before, sometimes I am immune to good advise.
Sometimes when we're talking, and we begin to joke about this or that I get a whisper in the back of my mind that says "you think you're fooling yourself? This is just like last time... You think you're just friends? Are you treating her right now like you would 'just a friend'?" There are a lot of whispers that follow those and I have to focus on those thoughts and counter each one in order to not revert into my previous mind set of feeling like crap. Fortunately I have the confidence now to overcome those thoughts. I have a friend that I trust. And I trust very few people to this degree to help me in these situations.
Unfortunately these things will happen from time to time, and I need to take a break from speaking with my close friend in order to refocus. I call it my cool down. Sometimes I just need to cool down my over-sized thoughts from gumming up the friendship. If I don't I'll eventually say something stupid and try to work through these thoughts with her... which is not fair, and wouldn't work anyway.
I have read through this twice now and I am pleased at what I've written, some things might not be clear however, I have a bad habit of just skipping some key idea at the beginning of my ramblings. But, I think it's coherent enough, and more importantly it's here for when I need my cool down and need a guide.
-A
Friday, July 4, 2008
Happy 4th!
I don't really have anything pithy or profound about today. The only dash of insight I have comes from living abroad for a few years. Without the laws and American culture it is easy to recognize the many things we take for granted. But in all reality it's not that different when putting the entire world into perspective. I mean, there are some dire situations around the world, and it should not be glossed over, but I have great hopes for our futures and the future of our country. The fact that we are aware the some of the problems and have programs (however not helpful some of them might be) to aid those in need makes us not so bad. And considering how bad many countries are out there, us being "not so bad" is a big deal considering our position in the world. I'm happy to be a citizen of this country, and I think if given a choice I would choose America not just for selfish reasons. We are allowed to be proud of our heritage, however checkered it might be. Taking the good with the bad is what being an American is all about. It's about our freedoms and learning that freedom is costly.
Taking a moment to to think about these things is what the 4th is to me. Reflect on the cost and benefits of our freedom, and to try to make the world a little better by me being in it.
-A
Taking a moment to to think about these things is what the 4th is to me. Reflect on the cost and benefits of our freedom, and to try to make the world a little better by me being in it.
-A
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Paper or Print
I was kinda thinking about how we're sort of lost the art of hand-written things. In some respects I'm pretty pragmatic about it and don't think most of it is any big deal. Unfortunately times have changed, handwriting is no longer elegant and we have so much stuff that holding onto a single note or piece of paper, let alone the dozens we would receive if this was practiced today, seems somewhat impractical (maybe not to a scrapbooker however).
Maybe a blog or an email can be just as romantic or sentimental. Maybe it's the words and the recognition of the time spent to think about it is what's important, not the medium. It just seems strange that after thousands of years of writing things down we are no longer doing that... because it's just more convenient. I myself am a contributor for sure. Or maybe people are still doing this, I hear enough little stories from my sisters and sister-in-laws to know that their husbands are doing this. So, maybe it's not as lost as I think, just trying to view the large scale picture.
I guess we'll have to wait and see.
Maybe a blog or an email can be just as romantic or sentimental. Maybe it's the words and the recognition of the time spent to think about it is what's important, not the medium. It just seems strange that after thousands of years of writing things down we are no longer doing that... because it's just more convenient. I myself am a contributor for sure. Or maybe people are still doing this, I hear enough little stories from my sisters and sister-in-laws to know that their husbands are doing this. So, maybe it's not as lost as I think, just trying to view the large scale picture.
I guess we'll have to wait and see.
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