Well, I wrote some nice things about men and women being friends, more specifically me being just friends with a particular person. At the time I wrote it I was feeling pretty good, I was happy with the idea that I could actually be more than content with just a friendship. Obviously, with the added complications of this relationship (I've maybe over-shared a few things), that didn't last very long.
My mind's gears began to turn and work their magic in messing up the contentment I had found. I began to worry, be sad, and I needed to focus on those solutions on which I had predicated my previous conclusion on: That the relationship did more good than harm. My mind reeled in denial, it wanted me to look deep and judge the situation has I always had: hopeless, painful, etc. Escaping these confidence mind traps is something I'm getting much better about however. A few months ago there would be no way for me to overcome and feel good about my situation, but now I am able to relax and judge my situation more fairly. Because even though I could see my situation clearly a few months ago, it was the conclusions that were always wrong. Data and statistics are just that, data and statics and nothing more. They prove nothing and show evidence of nothing. I was drawing some pretty hard conclusions based off my observations and thinking from a biased stand point. My mind so wanted me to feel terrible for some reason, it needed to follow the data and confirm my beliefs that I wasn't worth much, especially to women, and especially to this one.
My thinking lead me here: I had to first accept that I wasn't wanted in a romantic sense (like at all), then once I had completely accepted that I had to accept that it wouldn't ever happen in the future either. Or so I thought. The reality is I don't really need to make those decisions. I really just need to be friends. Instead of annihilating certain things I really just needed to embrace the friendship at it's current state, and relax and be happy I have that. Because it's not a small thing, this entire revolution of thought has occurred because of it. Admitting these things makes me feel pretty humble, I think a lot of people deal with these things and solved them years ago without the added pressure of having my over analytic brain messing everything up. Unfortunately I have to work through these things with more difficulty than others, which I am envious of. Like I said before, sometimes I am immune to good advise.
Sometimes when we're talking, and we begin to joke about this or that I get a whisper in the back of my mind that says "you think you're fooling yourself? This is just like last time... You think you're just friends? Are you treating her right now like you would 'just a friend'?" There are a lot of whispers that follow those and I have to focus on those thoughts and counter each one in order to not revert into my previous mind set of feeling like crap. Fortunately I have the confidence now to overcome those thoughts. I have a friend that I trust. And I trust very few people to this degree to help me in these situations.
Unfortunately these things will happen from time to time, and I need to take a break from speaking with my close friend in order to refocus. I call it my cool down. Sometimes I just need to cool down my over-sized thoughts from gumming up the friendship. If I don't I'll eventually say something stupid and try to work through these thoughts with her... which is not fair, and wouldn't work anyway.
I have read through this twice now and I am pleased at what I've written, some things might not be clear however, I have a bad habit of just skipping some key idea at the beginning of my ramblings. But, I think it's coherent enough, and more importantly it's here for when I need my cool down and need a guide.
-A
