I sat down and started to write. I could not have written this in the blog I realized, it was too real for me at the time. I found the source of my pride and I have faced it. I believed I could by sheer force of will overcome or understand everything I wanted. For a long time it worked because I had the Lord on my side. But I was still lacking because I gave more credit to my own intelligence than the strength and revelation to the Lord a lot of the time. I convinced myself on my mission that because my mind wanted what the Lord wanted, I was free to figure out anything and everything. And it actually worked. I had mysteries opened up to me and I had a clarity of mind that changed everything about me. Eventually I began to give my mind more credit of course, that it was me that caused my great understandings of life and religion. Things got progressively more difficult in my mission because of this, the light began to leave me as I began to rely on my understandings and not on further enlightenment.
Fast forward a few years. I have abandoned any and all revelation in my life, I have puffed my heart up so much at my own strength and intelligence I was convinced I had figured everything out on my own, by my own brain power. I built up a false balance beam of my own independent mind vs. strength from the Lord. There is no balance beam, there is not a conflict between what you understand versus what the Lord is causing you to understand, they are complimentary, they are not in conflict.
Understanding this was a very, very big deal to me Monday. It seems so simple and minor in retrospect of the lesson. However I was entrenched, and it required my own choice of humility to see this. My humility was literally caused by a broken heart. My broken heart happened independent of everything else you have read, but I realized I would not be able to mend it. It was deep, and I saw no way out. Ironically enough I could finally see my predicament in life. Where I was, and how I had arrived there. The years of struggle, the problems, the over thinking, I saw it all. And I realized I had never done anything on my own, I had always had help. And if I was to mend my broken spirit, and my broken heart, I was going to need help.
My life has been on the upturn for a few weeks now, and it was initially caused by hope. Hope given to me by one of my best friends I have ever had. This hope has uplifted me to this point, to this 'bridge' of my life. I don't know if I have completely crossed, or when I will, but I know I will. I know I will.
-Aaron
