So, what's next Aaron? I don't know actually. Things are pretty stable for me right now. Life inevitably will bring something round for me to deal with I'm sure. I think this happens to me because I'm never perfectly honest with myself and I get myself into situations where it eventually comes out... and life will show me that I have no idea what I am doing lol. But I do know what I'm doing about a few things in my life now. And I'm actively choosing them for the right reasons I believe. I honestly don't believe now that I could have ever chosen to escape from where I was with the sole purpose of being a better person. I didn't trust a lot of my family, which I will probably always regret and feel ashamed of. However, that's what happened, and it is past. I had mentioned my rebirth as a "focus" and I don't really like that term. It feels foreign, but at the time I didn't have a better word for it. Purpose is a much better word. I had lost track of my most important purpose and replaced it with side projects and elitism. Being thought of as pompus, elitist, and even shallow is exactly what I was working against, but what I eventually turned into (maybe not my own head, but then again my head isn't the best at perspective sometimes). It is interesting to me to see the connections and correlations behind life style choices, and their inverse affect on our lives.
I cannot pick myself up off the ground and I cannot find happiness in my life without anyone else in it. Now, I'll give myself some credit and say I never actually believed that I could do any of those things completely, but I had myself convinced I could do enough. When one side of the scale has slightly more than the other, it's enough. I hope I never make the same mistake again.
So, ya, I'm feeling really good. But before believing this, I had to find out for myself was what that last bit of weight that tilted the scales. Was it just someone in my life that changed it? Was it that I found my faith once more? Was it just some exercise? They all made up for some percentages in there, but the answer is that the sum is greater than the individual parts. Something I had not expected.
