Can't I test out of life?

School started this week. So far so good, all of my classes seem to be interesting enough. One of them I might actually just go ahead and finish the final project in a few weeks. It's pretty ridiculous how much hand holding goes on in some of these more 'advanced' classes, I wonder if I could even just test out of it...

I also found another side job that might yield some extra work for me, which will work out considering I have a lot more time on my hands than normal. I am referring to my sleep schedule. I go to sleep around 12:30-1:30 every night, and for the past 3 nights I've woken up before dawn, with no alarm... unable to get back to sleep. I haven't needed a nap, I haven't been tired all day, it's just been a little creepy for me. Before this predawn crap, I was waking up at 7:30 still. So, like I said, I have extra time for extra work. Which is good, because I like money.

-Aaron

Stopping to ask for directions

So I guess I should post something tangible today. It's been a little while it feels like.

I've been having some strange fluctuations in my life as of late. I feel confident, happy and like my life is going right where I direct it. Other times I feel confused, hurt, and like I have no idea if I'm in a nice big warm blanket of denial. I know the steps I've taken towards a healthier life have really uplifted me to a place where I feel I can make correct assessments and judgments about it.

I have friends all around me dealing with painful heartache and a deep sense of a loss of self and purpose in life. I can't help but sympathize, and let them know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. But when I'm alone, and I don't have anyone to try to help I feel myself falling back into doubt. I suppose this is life. Ensuring I don't miss categorize my feelings is really important. I have a bad habit of taking what I feel, and tying it to my soul. Without someone to assist me I can very easily be dragged down with no end in sight. Fortunately I have some good friends who are willing to be honest with me and tell me I'm wrong, and help me put them on the right shelf.

I have a friend whose hurt has rendered him unable to cope with idea of having true love in his life. Unable to understand God's plan for him, and resents God. Unable to turn his eyes from the life lessons his situation is presenting him: That he can't have what he loves, that he will be forever alone unless he is willing to settle for a lesser love. I tried emphatically to guarantee him that these things are not true, that I can testify of the validity of God's plans for each of our happiness. After several hours of talking to him I felt amazing, I could see myself so easily in his situation. And I was so thankful I wasn't there, because I could very easily be.

I have to believe there is a plan for me right now. I have to believe that I can know I can make it through whatever it is planned for me. I have to have faith that although I can see the path ahead of me and it's impassible walls, that a way will be made. I have not exercised faith in a very long time and I have been making decisions based off of the idea that if I do what is right, the way will be made. Honesty and humility are my two greatest assets about my situation right now, and I hope I can hold onto them, because the water is getting rough.

But my doubt seems to come and go with the wind. I once was living in doubt with whispers of something better, but now I feel I am something better with but whispers of doubt. I almost resolve and return to my optimistic perspective with as much effort as it took to me to turn to my pessimism before. I have 180'ed, but I am still a ways away from my destination it seems, and I'm okay with that. I take solace in being pointed in the right direction.

-A

Sharks, Tigers and Bears

This makes me want two things:

1. To know how to dance.
2. To own a bear costume.

I can't stop watching and listening to this. Seriously.

-A

Out of the Twilight, into the Dawn

WARNING: Some honesty about the book ahead, readers beware.

Okay okay, I'm finally finished with Breaking Dawn.

It's... okay. There just isn't enough there to warrant 750 pages of content. I enjoy the story, but it's so exhausting to read through it loses me. I feel like my hand is being held while I walk around the house, and the author stops to help me tie my shoes every twenty steps to make sure I don't misinterpret something or miss an inflection of anyone's voice. It doesn't make the book bad, it just makes it annoying, and giving it a big fat thumbs up after reading other books (not Twilight) where the author trusts me enough to think freely doesn't make it a good book in my opinion. It makes it...okay.

It turns out to be almost the exact same formula as the previous books. I was intrigued about where it was going half way through, but she just did a better job of giving me hope for something more of a surprise ending (which doesn't happen). Pretty uneventful, and anticlimactic in my opinion. It felt like she was just trying to wrap up loose ends so it could finally just be happily ever after for everyone after page 400.

But I am sure this book is very near and dear to you mothers out there. So, I completely understand how much you can love and feel peace with the book, and I don't begrudge you that. It's a very nice story with a lot of true feelings. I am torn between the sincerity the author has to share with us the gifts of motherhood, the love between a family, and the heavy handed writing.

So, what's my final verdict? It's difficult to say, there are such good elements in the story that it's difficult to hold the mediocre story telling against her. If she wrote it shorter, or with less repetitive thoughts of Bella, could those who love the book love it as much? I'm sure they wouldn't. The story is a nice long back massage from a long lost friend who is a lingerer and you have nothing to do all day. Some people will want to stop eventually and do something else, while others have needed a back massage and will blissfully ignore everything else. It just feels too good to stop.

-A

I dunno...

So ya, our little blogging community has been seriously slacking. Here we have more bloggers than ever before and everyone is just waiting for someone else to post something they want to respond to or talk about. Well rest assured dear readers, I am your man.... or at least I was, till I got all happy, pfft, happy isn't fun to read, or as fun to write!!

So, how can I come up with a topic that I feel everyone can respond to? It's very difficult actually. I mean, it's not like I can just make up something to be passionate about (however much it just looks like I do that). But I am passionate about life, and finding interesting things in it, so I just don't ever have to look too far really.

In fact I am very interested in our blogging community to be honest. I enjoy watching the new comers come and try to taste what everyone else has been talking about. Well, to be honest, the most important thing about all this is just being honest. Honest about life, and honest about whatever it is you're writing about. I used to have answers for everything (as some of you I'm sure remember, and still feel I do) It is difficult to transition from feeling like you have an answer to anything in life, to stepping out of the door with a foot forward saying 'I don't know' (ya ya, faith, I know). Everyone has little challenges in life, and being confident enough to say "I don't know" is a big deal. Now, this may seem like such a small thing, but for someone who felt he has a grasp on his world and where the limits are the admission "I don't know" about my potential is a life altering realization.

See, that was me being honest. But not everyone can or even should be that honest. Honesty is a very sharp sword and shouldn't be wielded lightly unless you really know what you're doing. Which I don't lol. They say time heals all wounds, but it's humility that cures honesty's wounds. This blog is my sparing match with the truth about whatever I want. It is safe because I can edit my words before I say them (sometimes I don't edit well either).

Most of the pain in life comes from a lack of honesty, not because people are lying, but because people aren't telling the truth. The truth is trust to me. Every time I find out someone else in the family or friend is reading this I have to mentally focus and accept what I've written in the past is going to possibly read by them. It's a very strange sensation to be forced into all that honesty lol. But it's been liberating really.

So, what am I going to write about? I don't know... err wait, I see what I did there...

-A

Finding Serenity

Maybe it's watching Firefly again, or maybe it's other stuff (probably) in my life. But finding a nice peaceful slice of serenity in life is such a welcome occurrence in the breaks of my life. I have good friends, good attitudes, and more importantly, I believe I need help in my life to be happy.

I won't lie and say I'm living in some sort of dream world where sunshine and dandelions are my constant companions, but the feeling of contentment I feel at certain times sure feels that good.

The help in my life doesn't come from me, but from a few key friends that have allowed me to pick my head up from the dreary hole of insecurity and vast ocean of doubt I had been drifting in. I won't say my experience is unique or even as difficult as I pretend it to be, but when you know you over come something that touches you to your core, everyone can empathize. I look at my life as a breaking down of my weaknesses and choosing to be strong enough to pick myself up, having passed the test. Now however, I know there things in my life I am unable to pick myself up from the first time (or even multiple times). Help is required. I feel a very small feeling when I stop and pay attention, usually my thoughts and doubts are so loud and crass I can't feel it. However, finding the love of my Heavenly Father in my life has given me back my ability to be patient, and to feel it when I take a breath. Something so small, and precious as to give me a life worth living, and maybe worth something to a future companion seems such a miraculous gift I can't quite express.

Life without these moments of serenity can seem an exhausting, embittering, and can very easily delude the mind into thinking it is drifting alone with no end in sight. And life does feel like that for me at times I won't lie. But now I have moments of peace, of happiness, of serenity. And it makes all the difference.

-A

Total Eclipse of the Heart

I think my perspective has changed somewhat concerning the Twilight books. Now while I will say that the author's writing is obvious, and even cheats me sometimes, I've come to understand why. I've spoken with a few people about why they like it and it's helped me redefine how I should read it. So get ready folks, Aaron liked Eclipse.

I am willing to enjoy something for the simple pleasure of enjoying it, without trying to read into it too much to be overly critical. And I think it just took me a while to accept that with this series. I felt like there was such great potential to really create some new drama and conflict that I just over looked the simplicity of the story she was telling. There could be no vampires and no fantasy elements and the book would still be loved. It would be easy to replace those things with anything in real life that would impede two lovers, as it does Edward and Bella. I was looking for something more than I had seen or experienced... but didn't look close enough at how accurate the feelings that were there were written. It doesn't bring anything new to the table of our experiences, it just lets us know that there are more out there that feel what we feel. Hurt like we hurt, and feel lost without hope in the case of Jacob. It made me feel what the characters were feeling instead of simply pushing off the explanation to another book.

So far, I think this was the best book, albeit the plot was pretty weak and obvious (but that's not the point of these books really). But the conversations and relationships of Bella were well written and well scripted in my opinion. They behaved like real people, and that's all I ever ask for.

Anyway, I don't think I can start Breaking Dawn until Wednesday, I hear it ends well.

Dreams

Dreams are curious things. While I admit the majority of everyone's dreams almost all the time are completely fabricated from our brains firing memories and thoughts into your subconscious, and our our brain patterns always thinking in stories somehow create some sort of cohesive dream, there are a few dreams every once in a while that give you pause.

There are complications however. Religion teaches us sometimes God speaks to us in dreams, and many of us have had religious experiences within our dreams, and who is going to discredit those if in fact they did happen? Usually when you tell people they don't try to exactly dissuade you from believing, but they do try to poke holes or allow for the possibility that maybe it wasn't all from God, or all a message. It is not very often that we receive such clear images or messages as to take lightly a message sent by Heavenly Father. But then there are millions of people out there who are more than willing to tell you about their dream sent by God. On my mission it seemed everyone (and I mean everyone) had had a dream(s) sent by God. It wasn't ever very difficult to convince people of modern revelation, in fact, most of the churches proclaimed to be speaking with God as well. It is easy for the poor, living in a religious culture, to believe anything that lets them know they are not alone in this world. And they dream every night. It seems to me that I cannot discredit the hope and the belief that millions of people have in dreams. I so often speak of dreams as being a step away from speaking to an angel that it's difficult to remember the different degrees we can receive comfort in our lives. And it comforts me to know that maybe our Heavenly Father is reaching out to these people in some of the only ways they can be reached.

But I have had a few dreams that were... special I suppose. Several in fact. And even a few on the wrong side of the track. I have felt some very real presences and I cannot explain away with righteous living, or watching scary movies as I was dreaming and even waking after the dream. I cannot help but wonder of our susceptibility in the twilight of our will power as we wake.

Now, it has been a long time since I felt, or experienced those things. But the fact that they remain in such vividness in my mind allows me to know they were not simply overreactions to be filed away or even watered down. But that's not the point. The point is it doesn't matter what I've experienced in terms of what anyone else has. What matters is the fact that we recognize our own experiences when we do have them I suppose.

I have nothing conclusive concerning dreams really. It's one of those subjects that I discuss with people but never take anyone's opinion into consideration except my own, strange I know, but there it is.

-A

Old Man's War

Sorry about that long post about Twilight. It just all came spilling out and I didn't quite manage it very well.

Anyway. Ryan gave me a book called Old Man's War. I'm reading the sequel right now too. It's a very interesting book. Essentially in the future to keep up with the advancements of other species and their military humans require new, young, genetically enhanced bodies. Once normal people reach the age of 75 they can opt in for the procedure to replace their old, weak, and frail bodies with new younger ones. Only once you do, you're in the army to serve 10 years (if you survive, with 75% of which don't). Then they can recreate your normal body, but younger, and you can colonize another planet. While all the details of the future are decently fleshed out what's really fascinating is the ideas he explores about being a human conscience in an almost human body. The real interesting idea comes in when his wife, who died before she could sign up with him (obviously in a new body as well, they appear to be 19 or 20 years old), shows up. The army took her DNA and created a new person with it... only she's only technically a few years old and has no memory of her previous life. Pretty good book, I enjoyed it a lot.

I have started in on Eclipse. I think I'm mostly waiting for the 4th one, I'm hearing it's different, and good. And maybe then I can resolve some of my issues.

Anyway, had a late night with friends... good times. Sleep is overrated when good times are to be had.

New Moon

So, I finished the second in the series in the Twilight saga. Everyone's pretty bazonkers about it all, so I figure I'll read them all and make my own decision.

Most people already know how I felt about the first one: I liked it, but it didn't quite ring true. By not 'ringing true' I mean I couldn't believe that Edward and Bella didn't have sex or even come close. For me, believing that the love that they shared so strongly and forcefully couldn't result in some sort of... expression I guess, whether sex or something else. But it's written for teens, and by a modest author, so I understand that it's probably inappropriate. So, I still enjoyed it, I just couldn't bite into like everyone else was. You can create a moral, enjoyable world (see Harry Potter) and not have sex... but when you want to take the most sexually charged, sensual, and powerful sort of creature, neuter it and condense it into a teenage love/crush, I just couldn't buy it completely. Edward is not a realistic character to me. His one 'flaw' was he's a vampire. But, I never felt like being a vampire was that bad a thing. So he's basically perfect. How am I supposed to be entertained or compelled by that? I was told by multiple people that I was going to have to read the second one to resolve all my doubts and whatever...

So, Checking back in. Second book down. What's my verdict? Meh, about like the first. The first half of the book was Bella moping around like a lovesick child for MONTHS. I understand that she loved Edward and everything, and he was everything to her, etc, etc. But listening to her heartache so constantly was very draining. Jacob steps in (2 chapters too late imo) and finally we get some interesting exchanges of dialog and relationships (however simple) forming. She never actually stops being whiny, but at least we get some cool Native American wolves running around. There is not enough of this in my opinion. It would be much more interesting if Bella would have really gained an understanding, respect, and desire for 'the protectors' to succeed and been truly torn about the cold nature of her love, Edward, versus the warm blooded, earthy, and happy Blacks. But no, her 'love' is solid and is never questioned, nothing challenging or interesting happens within her. At the end of one chapter you can feel her start to concede she could be happy with Jacob, but it rings so falsely like she's 'giving in' that neither we the reader nor the author believe it.

Her friendship with Jacob was the only interesting development. His desire for her and her guilt for her need of him, this was actually well thought out and decently written... however it appears loving two people is too much and or too complicated for this world, and her love for Edward crosses beyond the realm of a mothers love for her child. I mean, I want to feel completely torn between Jacob and Edward when Edward shows back up, but no, I don't. We like Jacob a lot, we know he could make her happy, but the idea of love for Jacob is beyond Bella. And I don't know how we're supposed to feel about this... is this the demonstration of the bond Edward and Bella have? It just feels like I wasted chapters with Jacob. Once the Cullens show back up we don't give Jacob a second thought... Glad Bella got to have her self-inflicted pain eased by the goodhearted Jacob, otherwise I would have had to read her moaning over Edward the entire time. Honestly, Jacob should have shown up two pages after Edward left.

I guess I was supposed to be blown away when she finally accepted that Edward loved her... I wasn't. What history did she have for not believing him? Had she been betrayed? Had she evidence of Edwards indiscretions or other goals outside of her? Nope, she just can't believe someone 'like him' would love her... blah. Vampires written by others cause this same sort of infatuation, but I guess I'm supposed to believe that it's real love. It feels more like vampire allure than real love if this is supposed to be taken as a healthy relationship. I would prefer if it was ambiguous in this matter, is it love? is it because of his vampire allure? THAT would be interesting... but no, it's not.

I find the world and the characters interesting, but the love between Edward and Bella is so simple and I can't seem to believe the main reason why they can't be together. I'm supposed to think it's complicated because it's so bad being a vampire! Edward thinks she'll lose her SOUL! ZOMG, THE RESOLUTION I WAS LOOKING FOR!! However Edward loves Bella, and Bella loves Edward... so, are we going to go down a religious path here? The idea of the soul is that your happiness and love would be there after you die ... only vampires are immortal, and in this world are able to love! So let me get this straight, immortal with love vs. an afterlife (which may or may not exist depending on the belief of the character) without love. How am I supposed to be torn? Is Stephani Meyer holding out on me? Do I have to read the other books to resolve THIS? She's got a pretty successful business model on her hands. Like selling someone a car chassis and letting them know the engine will come out with next years model.

Anyway, the wolves were cool for their two scenes (don't get me started on the amount of time it took the author to finally 'allow' us to know what was going on... please, I knew after reading the first book!) And I liked the exchanges between Jacob and Bella. The vampires in Italy were pretty cool too. It's a fun story, I don't know if I'd call it a good book. But I'm holding out hope that things get resolved in the next book...

Friendship

Oh be graced with love of another!
Be it friend or foe
bow down your head before a brother
And be strong to sow
Be it not slow,
Be it not low

Lift up your head and receive your gift
They are yours to take!
Passed in the tide, caught in the sift
For you to partake
Be it not slow,
Be it not low

See the small smile within those you see
Passing it is t'know
But passed untouched is cannot be free
Taken, held in row
Be it not slow
Be it not low

-A