So I guess I should post something tangible today. It's been a little while it feels like.
I've been having some strange fluctuations in my life as of late. I feel confident, happy and like my life is going right where I direct it. Other times I feel confused, hurt, and like I have no idea if I'm in a nice big warm blanket of denial. I know the steps I've taken towards a healthier life have really uplifted me to a place where I feel I can make correct assessments and judgments about it.
I have friends all around me dealing with painful heartache and a deep sense of a loss of self and purpose in life. I can't help but sympathize, and let them know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. But when I'm alone, and I don't have anyone to try to help I feel myself falling back into doubt. I suppose this is life. Ensuring I don't miss categorize my feelings is really important. I have a bad habit of taking what I feel, and tying it to my soul. Without someone to assist me I can very easily be dragged down with no end in sight. Fortunately I have some good friends who are willing to be honest with me and tell me I'm wrong, and help me put them on the right shelf.
I have a friend whose hurt has rendered him unable to cope with idea of having true love in his life. Unable to understand God's plan for him, and resents God. Unable to turn his eyes from the life lessons his situation is presenting him: That he can't have what he loves, that he will be forever alone unless he is willing to settle for a lesser love. I tried emphatically to guarantee him that these things are not true, that I can testify of the validity of God's plans for each of our happiness. After several hours of talking to him I felt amazing, I could see myself so easily in his situation. And I was so thankful I wasn't there, because I could very easily be.
I have to believe there is a plan for me right now. I have to believe that I can know I can make it through whatever it is planned for me. I have to have faith that although I can see the path ahead of me and it's impassible walls, that a way will be made. I have not exercised faith in a very long time and I have been making decisions based off of the idea that if I do what is right, the way will be made. Honesty and humility are my two greatest assets about my situation right now, and I hope I can hold onto them, because the water is getting rough.
But my doubt seems to come and go with the wind. I once was living in doubt with whispers of something better, but now I feel I am something better with but whispers of doubt. I almost resolve and return to my optimistic perspective with as much effort as it took to me to turn to my pessimism before. I have 180'ed, but I am still a ways away from my destination it seems, and I'm okay with that. I take solace in being pointed in the right direction.
-A
