I think all I heard or really knew about the MTC was those videos they show with all the missionaries singing "Called To Serve" in different languages and what not. My parents dropped me off and I was excited to get this thing going! First thing you see are lines. Lines and lines of missionaries. A few administrators comb over the crowd looking for long hair or unkempt shirts and ties. Lots of guys are crying, some are laughing, and a ton seem to know each other, which seemed crazy to me at the time.
I meet my companion Elder Larson. He once was a body builder, he's from Layton Utah, and he's with me every second of every day. We get settled in, get lunch and go to class. The schedules are insane, there is no room to stop and think, no time to relax and enjoy the weather, no time, no time, no time. Stress is the key here, there is so much possible stress to be had in the MTC if you are not ready to be bended, molded, and plied into whatever shape you are not, you are for sure not going to make it. Getting out of the MTC is some missionaries only goal. There are some people who loved it and just breezed through without a care in the world. If you are not able to willingly, nay happily, sacrifice your sleep, hunger, mood, and or personal feelings about whatever situation may arise, you are not "prepared". And this is what bugs me most about it all, everyone says "You need to prepare, blah, blah, blah" but they never tell you WHAT to prepare besides essencially being more active in the church. No one tells the missionaries scenerios of real encounters of the life on the inside. So, here's just one example.
Example 1: You must enter a room with your companion, whom you don't necessarily like very much, and teach two to five strangers in Spanish. There are camera's recording your sessions in which your teachers, companions, and yourself have to criticize after your sessions. You have had a total of 5 lessons in Spanish and can only remember a total of 5 words, maybe. As you are sitting there, trying to remember the word for prayer to start or end the lesson, being completely humiliated and humbled at the same time in front of strangers and your companion, a dawning realization comes to mind that you don't want to do this. Minutes pass as everyone waits on you to say your part, only you can't remember and don't know how to say or explain your predicament. No English is allowed (can't stress this enough). You want to do this when you're ready and feel comfortable, but you must do it now, scared crapless. I'll liken the awkwardness to you walking over to some neighbor you don't know, and asking for two hundred dollars, only you have to ask in a British accent and be serious about it. As the conversation progresses it gets more awkward and harder to remember why you're there. It feels terrible, it feels fake , it feels like you're an actor and what you're doing is not helping anyone. Every instinct you have cries out to just let you leave and forget it all. Try to imagine that, then doing it 5 times in a row to different people. You'll be back in a week to do it again. Once I explained to a teacher who was waiting in the hallway how pointless it was for me and how I just wasn't going to do it today. I was supremely frustrated, I had not learned any Spanish since the last time I went through the door (5 minutes previous) and how going back in and trying again was pointless. I stated my arguments clearly and without shame and shrugged as to what else he could say to make me want to do it. He had no real response, and walked away. I'm sure he was dissapointed, guilt is a great motivator for a lot of teachers (and a lot of missionaries, myself included at the top of the list).
I'm not completely glad I did it at all, it didn't break my fears, improve my Spanish or help me in anything but accepting I was stuck there and had to do it. Stress, like I said, is a key factor in the MTC. It was here, by one of my better teachers I thought, where I learned possibly the most life-changing lesson anyone could have given me: "fake it 'till you make it". Understand that when I heard this, and was convinced it was True, gave myself fully to it. Like any principle it is simple, but always follows the rules of relativity. There is a time and place for each principle and deciphering these two key elements is of the utmost importance. Failure to do so can lead to heartache, disillusionment, pain, feeling cheated, and numerous other problems.
I am terrible at basketball, through and through. However it wasn't until I played with my district that they started to like me and accept me into the district clique. Our days were extremely long (they felt like 20 hour days) and being around the same ten guys for even a few days and not feeling welcome was hard. Everything is magnified in the MTC, every look, every comment, every moment of exhaustion. Interviews every other day: teachers would give performance reviews and let you know whether they thought you were trying, progressing, and asked what changes you could make to better enable your performance. Oh, and to repent. Don't forget to repent. It seems insane to think about now, but that's the way the MTC is. People will straight up ask you if you've been repenting during a hard time. Sometimes it comes across the right way, sometimes it doesn't. Righteous zeal is abundant and rampant in the MTC. I was a victim of it's lures immediately, having a predisposition to thinking myself smarter than everyone else. And I didn't lay it down for a while. It made me prickly and pompous, and not well liked. I lived under this ideology: If it is wrong, say it's wrong, you cannot claim something is right when you know it is wrong. It was more important to me to point out the error first (in myself or for others) and then attempt to remedy it. It was a hard line to walk, and it is hard to be around someone who is brutal honest. But that's how I was.
Those who had spanish were resented by those who hadn't "cheated" like the others. It seemed an unfair advantage. Having a companion to answer questions changed life completely. This feeling was always present. When anyone made progress you felt like you were sliding backwards. It was only when the worst of everyone made progress, or the best of us struggled that there was unity.
Every class is in the language you are learning. There aren't breaks, it is pounded in every hour of every day for almost two months of 18 hour days. It isn't pleasant, it's necessary, but it isn't pleasant. I was the only one in my district to get the Visa cleared to go to the MTC down in the DR (from here on Dominican Rep. will be referenced as the DR). I was happy to go, a new companion (two actually, we were a threesome for a week) and a new MTC. It was freezing in Provo and I wanted the tropics of the DR.
I'd like to talk about the Spirit somewhat. There were moments in the MTC, besides all the hustle and bustle to feel the spirit. Real conversations about life and love happened, and it was wonderful. The devotionals were spectacular and everyone felt elevated and elated afterwords. We were constantly reminded how great of a task that was laid before us, and it was ours to take and make our stand in the world for Truth. It was a stark contrast of feeling that could bring anyone to tears. The inner struggles every single person had mixed with the love we felt from our Heavenly Father. Simply put the MTC is a crucible.
I suppose I also must interject something I believe here, or at least am dealing with. And that is the principle of being reconverted based on past experiences. I don't know if I can be at this time. I encounter this principle often enough in the scriptures to understand that it exists and is true, but like I said before with principles: time and place. At this time in my life I don't believe it aplies to myself. Having redefined who I am, and tried to discover who I am, I can't rely on experiences of who I was. I'm not the same person therefore how can I rely on my flawed memory and possibly skewed mind? Maybe this makes no sense, but what matters is that I understand it. It matters a lot to me to understand these things about myself. This is not to say I don't believe in the Spirit or the Spirit of conversion, don't misinterpret me. I believe it is the only thing that can convert or communicate our Fathers love for us, but at this time in my life I need constant updates, that is all.
Some missionaries had great companions (just that they got along and had similar habits, humor, etc.) to make their MTC experience go smooth. And just gloss over most things I talked about here, but the fact is I had a fairly easy time comparatively. I was jealous of some, pitied others. It's impossible to sum up, but like anything difficult, once it has been a few years you're always greatful for the experience.
Well, that was a lot of stuff. And that was just my first two weeks in the MTC, hah. I realized while I was writing this that I couldn't possibly cover it all, but I could highlight on the key points, and I think I did a good job from my perspective anyway. I am always reluctant to discuss a lot of happenings in my experiences for fear of coming off as prideful, sinful and a lot of other "ful's" in conversations with people. I don't necessarily need advise on what I could have done better on my mission. I hate to resort to the "You weren't there" argument when discussing a difficult situtaion. Hopefully I won't have to, hopefully I can take you there. That's the goal anyway.
-A
