I got a phone call from non other than Jen Nelson yesterday. She's been married for sometime now and seems pretty happy, life is moving on, people she knows are having babies, school is ended, progression is happening. Good for her. But then, when people talk to other people who don't have any progression to speak about (sure, I progressed in my willingness to make my own food) it's hard not to feel like shiz. I mean, I'm happy living the way I'm living right? And it's just the perceived peer pressure of those around me that cause me to doubt this...right? I don't know, and I suppose that's what makes my life exciting.
I suppose I was going to have to write about being alone at some time, suppose now is the best time. "Am I anti-social?" is the real question, and maybe I am. But maybe there's more out there than just social and anti-social, maybe this line we draw across the sand to divide those who are and aren't just further separates us from understanding one another. Maybe I'm just talking out my ass, but no one else is saying it.
So, why am I relationshipless? Why have I not been on more than 2 dates in the past 3 years? Why don't I just get out and get on with my life? The truth isn't pleasant and doesn't satisfy curious minds. The truth is that I'm caught in a social catch-22 and I don't know how to break out. Having a poor self image (I call it realistic, others might call it terrible) makes it really hard for me to be me infront of people who I want to be liked by. I can't break out of my bad self image, I base this on previous experiences which has lead me to this point, and so I am stuck within anonymity. Stuck within my shell of the "short guy in the corner" syndrom. It's rare that conversations are ever geared towards anything I can contribute to. And if there is no conversation, there is no chance for me. Not in that setting anyway. I'm so sick of people trying to give me advise like "Oh, you just need to get out there and have fun" or "You just need to...(incert BS statement here)". Why does everyone lack the confidence in me to know that I've maybe tried these things, and maybe I've studied it and have come to these conclusions. It's like I had some phoebia and someone is trying to cure my phoebia by saying "You just need to not be afraid!". Ya, obviously, unfortunately you're trying to cure the symptoms not the disease (in the example, I'm not saying I have a disease). I get so frustrated discussing this with people because of this that I really just don't bother anymore. At the end of these conversations I end up feeling even more alone... I'm drowning and people love to describe the water for me.
These are just observations mind you, nothing conclusive. Tomorrow I might find out I'm one hot piece of meat and disregard everything I just wrote. Too many minds.
Anyway, sorry for the long post. Like with most things I say and think about it's best taken with a grain of salt.
