Halloween

It's Halloween once more. An ever present problem with feelings is that you associate dates with them. It's futile to revisit memories long past with the sole objective to compare it to current feelings or memories. I suppose it makes me human to do so, but who want's to be human?

I took my camera up to the mountain and took some photo's. Some turned out okay, I've got to find a better spot, there were a lot of shotgun shells on the ground. It was pretty great to stand on the hillside feeling the cold wind while I took my time looking closely at the ground or trees or a beetle I found on my car. Buying a nice camera was a great decision for me.

It's frustrating that so much of life is simply adjustments of perspective. Any discovery you

have, any regression you may experience, is simply a change in perspective. Some people possess the ability to share perspective, and teach it to those willing. What enables us to be willing? How much time do we waste in this life trying to not be miserable and find happiness in the small things? It seems like an awful lot to me, but maybe I am not like you. I am not like most people, especially here in this place. I have chosen to think about life challenges with purpose and dedication... unfortunately life does not provide the answers at the pace at which I think, causing me to stumble and draw inaccurate conclusions. It's frustrating when someone learns something fundamental that I missed somehow, and have them share it in an offhanded manner, as if it didn't matter. As if they were simply in the lunch line and got served up the daily meal that turns out was the key to releasing me from weeks/months of contemplation. Obviously I'm reminded to just relax and let it come and go with the flow of things, which I do

frequently. I am pretty happy now-a-days, I have my hobbies, my work, my awful classes, and a couple good friends. The one thing that ties me back in with everyone else is the need to feel loved however. Still looking.

Reporting Live from Utah

After a much needed hiatus I have decided to write again. There is a constant flow of thought that if I don't put down just disappears with it's origins and it's conclusions, maybe never heard from again.

It is an odd sensation to feel constantly more aware of who you are and what you want. There is always some more aware of who they are and when you meet them, you want to be them. You want to learn from them and figure out how and why they can be so happy in this fairy-tale land of medicated happiness. Someone who feels the underlining sensations of what life is supposed to be, and lives it. The joke is on them as much as it is on us, they don't know any more than we do, and around the denial-go-round goes.

I go to school with children. Not just children of age, which most of them are, but children of the mind. It is a tight world that we live in here. All the same bad things happen, only there exists no safe harbor in which to find footing, save that of the liberal arts classroom where everyones just too nervous to test the waters. For all the benefits of a religious lifestyle, all I see is people trying to live some ridiculous life where you find love and THEN start living. It's no wonder they suggest we get married while we're young, if we get to old we might just figure out what they're actually selling isn't real. In this place, where only one option is weighed, all others are pilled up with no option, weighing equally nothing.

I am constantly bombarded with how stupid this culture is, to the point I'm convinced it's actually a culture of stupidity. I go to college with children raised in a culture of stupidity. And people expect me to date and find a companion here.

I am not meant for this place, or if I am meant for this place, God is cruel.

-A

ps. While I appreciate the comments, I've disabled them. Thank you for reading however.